The Mindful Migraine

I’ve always been a fan of John Denver (the music, more than the moppy-haired-man).  Perhaps it’s because I have a fair bit of farming in my family tree, or just because I’m a back-to-nature kinda gal when possible.  His songs ‘Rocky Mountain High’ and ‘Take Me Home Country Road’ are favorites. 

John’s song ‘Sweet Surrender’ has some great lyrics: “Lost and alone on some forgotten highway / Travelled by many remembered by few / Lookin’ for something that I can believe in / Lookin’ for something that I’d like to do with my life”.  (Although, truth be told, the same song also has some more iffy lyrics: “Sweet, sweet surrender / Live, live without care / Like a fish in the water / Like a bird in the air”… it’s not overly profound given that fish HAVE to live in the water, with or without care.) 

Perhaps the greatest sign of my affection is that I slow-danced to ‘Annie’s Song’ at my wedding (I love the lyrics but always felt a little cringey that I was dancing to someone else’s song).

Anyway. When no one else is around, I have been known to listen to my 3-CD-box set “Legendary” back-to-back.  Of the 50 songs, most of them make me smile, but there’s one that always gets under my skin; “I’m Sorry”.  As the title suggests, the song is an apology to a lover who’s up and left him.  The song includes lyrics such as “I’m sorry for all the lies I told you / I’m sorry for the things I didn’t say” and “I’m sorry if I took some things for granted / I’m sorry for the chains I put on you”.  Not totally terrible.  Seems sincere.  (Also makes you understand why she probably left). The problem is that after each of these apologies comes different variations of the line “More than anything else, I’m sorry for myself / For livin’ without you”.  In writing it doesn’t look super-bad, but in the song, due to the tempo of the backing music, it comes out “More than anything else, I’m sorry for my-se-eh-eh-elf…… For livin’ without you.”  The long drawn out, protracted version of “myself” combined with the long pause before he (sort of) qualifies his sadness to be about her, undermines the message in my opinion – sorry, not sorry, John.

If someone gave me an apology that went along the lines of “I’m sorry for this, that, and the other, but mostly I’m just sorry for myself”, I’m not sure whether I’d laugh or cry.  I am fairly certain, however, that I would not feel overly forgiving.

It got me thinking – what are the rules about feeling sorry for yourself? 

At some point, or several, life is bound to leave us feeling cheated, defeated, frustrated, unexpectedly lonely or sad, in chronic pain, or just world weary.  I think it’s totally normal to have negative feelings, and moreover, it’s totally normal that they sometimes combine to leave you feeling sorry for yourself. 

What I also suspect, however, is that, like the song, pause and protraction are not great.

Feeling sorry for yourself is A-OK.  Feeling sorry for yourself for a long period of time, to the extent that all other emotions are put on hold, is probably not so OK.  Feeling sorry for yourself to the extent that your sorrow always overrides everyone else’s feelings (good or bad) is even more concerning. 

That said, I often feel sorry for myself.  I often think: “Life is so unfair”, “Why is this happening to me?”, “I’m tired of pretending that everything is OK”, “Why is everyone else’s life so much easier than mine?” and “I’m sick and tired of feeling sick and tired”…

Chronic pain ‘stole’ a lot from me, including joy, time, even a sense of myself, which I’m only now beginning to restore.  That said, I’d be disappointed if self-pity overtook me for so long that I couldn’t notice anyone else’s pain (although as I write this, I realize I undoubtedly did do this during my sickest times).

I guess I’m not really sure how to advise you on how to reign back self-pity other than to caution you to be aware of it. Indulge, by all means, just not all the time.

Feel sorry for yourself.  Just, maybe, don’t feel sorry for your-se-eh-eh-elf, if you know what I mean.

Take care, Linda x

[PS – here’s a video of John singing “I’m Sorry” when he was on tour in Australia. It’s a slightly different version to the one on my CD and makes it seem like I might be reading too much into a teeny-tiny-pause…]