The Mindful Migraine

I was a child in the 1970s and 80s. It was quiet. I don’t mean that figuratively, but literally. Our house had a small black and white TV, a radio and a giant piece of furniture that held a mini-record turntable (in the corridor (of all places)).

Weekends were spent going places and listening to sports in the car (Dad’s car – Dad’s rules – Dad’s radio channel) and idolizing the Top 100 musicians as I sat in my bedroom, fingers hovering over the ‘record’ button to create mix tapes.

I even spotted my actual cassette player in the background of a “Stranger Things” episode which stirred up all sorts of happy childhood memories for me:

[Image source: https://stereo2go.com/forums/threads/stranger-things.1887/]

Towards the end of High School, music went from cassettes to CDs, (those round silver discs if you’re young), and at the same time, my music taste started to become increasing eclectic. By university, it ranged from Mozart to Madonna, right through to Metallica (and a brief dabble with Ministry, the industrial metal band who used chainsaws as well as guitars to make music (it wasn’t as migraine-inducing back then as it is now)).

Today, life seems noisier.

Not just in terms of traffic and background ambient noise, but even in terms of music. There are several screens in our house; TVs, computers, an Ipad and smart phones… any or all of which can be playing music themselves, or blue toothing between each other to play even more music. Digital music appears to have become ubiquitous. And yes… noisy.

But I’m as guilty as everyone else. I like to walk the streets in silence, so I can listen to my surroundings (and (un)solicited advice). I also prefer to do most housework music-free… but I will iron to podcasts or have a meditation playing while I do the dishes.

Anyway – this long winded background story actually has a mindful healing moral to it – hang on a fraction longer – we’re almost there.

One musician who sat in the “alternative” category back in my younger years, was Canadian Alanis Morissette. I’ve mentioned before that I still listen to my CDs in the car (much to my mechanic’s bemusement (read more on my “When I was tied to the mast” post)). The other day I was listening to Alanis’ “Under Rug Swept” (2002) CD, and one of the songs suddenly hit different – “Precious Illusions”.

Here’s the video for the song with some fun split-screen graphics of the knight in shining armor fairytale versus real-life montage (complete with a romantic sunset on one side of the screen at the end, and the same guy picking his toenails on her bed on the other side (true!)):

[Video source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VGJaKeYwOFo]

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I’m never sure how many lyrics I’m allowed to reproduce without getting into copyright issues, but here is a section of the song to give you an understanding of what was jumping out at me:

These precious illusions in my head
Did not let me down when I was a kid
And parting with them is like parting with a childhood best friend

I’ve spent so long firmly looking outside me
I’ve spent so much time living in survival mode

But this won’t work now, the way it once did
‘Cause I want to decide between survival and bliss
And though I know who I’m not, I still don’t know who I am
But I know I won’t keep on playing the victim

Ooph!

Living with chronic migraine for several years, I lived in survival mode waiting for some doctor to ride up on a white horse, as it were, and hand down a script for the medication that was going to take all the pain away. Only the real world never worked out that fairytale way. And I hate to speak ill of myself (I’m all about taking out the trash-talk) – the reality is – there was an element of me playing the victim.

Tough love moment coming up.

We don’t choose to be ill. We don’t. BUT. When we stay in bed and wait for a doctor or a partner, more money or a magic pill, to arrive and make life better and bring us a version of Alanis’ “bliss” then we run the risk of being a passive passenger in our own lives… for better or worse.

When we wake up in the morning disappointed that the pain is still there, obsessing over the unfairness of the universe, raging against all that migraine has stolen from us, we accidentally put ourselves into that victim mode – even if we don’t see it clearly that way, we are.

Just as she sings; you don’t need to have all the answers, know who you are, or where you’re going, but it REALLY HELPS to let go of the past and all the woulda-coulda-shoulda’s and start moving towards a brighter future for yourself.

But it’s hard.

I know.

Because all those childhood-illusions, all those unhealthy habits, all that trash talk about how useless we are, and how insurmountable this impossible life is, all holds us back. AND those ideas are addictive – even the sh!tty stuff – it holds on to us and we hold onto it.

Ever tried going cold-turkey and giving up smoking? Sugar? Social-media? A toxic partner? A well-paying job that you hate?

The more addictive these things and people and places are – the harder it is to say goodbye.

I acknowledge that it’s tough – but you deserve to be healthy and happy – don’t settle for a life lived in pain – keep trying to move yourself from illness towards wellness.

And on the days when you think you can’t be bothered, and decide that you’ll save yourself tomorrow – remember the look on Alanis’ face when her partner picks his toenails!

You can do better peeps.

Take care taking care,

Linda x