The Mindful Migraine

Over the last couple of weeks, I have written about how chronic pain can affect friendships.  First, I addressed the not-so-fun issue of ‘ghosting’ and then I wrote about those cruisy ‘coasting’ friends, with a reminder that you have to keep up your end of the friendship-bargain so they don’t drift away.  Today’s post for ‘boasting’ has two interpretations; one expected, one potentially controversial.

The most obvious boast-about-friends are those great best friends whom we can share our secrets with, who finish our sentences, who help to make us feel complete.  Perhaps you’re lucky enough to have one right now, or perhaps you had one when you were younger.  Perhaps your best friend is your partner, or a brother, sister, or parent. Perhaps your pet is your best friend. Only you get to decide who’s your number one.

When I was growing up, I had ‘coasty’ friends when I was younger, but a super-duper-best-friend when I was in high school.  We spent every day of school together, afternoons (when we weren’t studying), shared babysitting gigs, and went travelling overseas together a week after we finished our final exam.  Then, when we ended up in different courses at university, we ‘drifted’ apart.  She still came to my wedding, and was kind enough to drive we to our 25^th school reunion a few months ago, but it’s been a long time since we traded secrets.

At university, I had a new boast-about-best-friend.  We lived together on and off over the years, travelled together, and then, in a similar way to my high-school-bestie, I got married and had children, whilst she moved away to live on a farm, and we drifted apart.  I speak to her every now and then, but we tend to share memories rather than confess our dreams for the future.

Now, I would say that my husband is my best friend, whilst in terms of my migraines, I have a neighbor who also still struggles with them. Because she ‘gets it’, we often meet up for a cup of tea and some mutual commiserations that make us temporary besties. 

I tell you all of this, so you understand that not everyone is blessed with a bestie, sometimes they come and go, sometimes they’re almost-besties, or part-time-besties… and that’s ok.  Enjoy the comradery when you can get it.  Friendships are fluid and variable, and there’s no competition when it comes to how many you can collect!

The second form of ‘boastful’ friends I want to mention has the potential to annoy some people, so in advance; I’m sorry – but I am speaking my truth.

OK, so what do I mean?  

There are some people who might befriend your chronic-illness-self not because they really like you, but as a means to an end.  Their idea of friendship might only be a short-term gig, but they are doing it for the attention that they get for helping you out.  They get to play doctor, nurse, childminder, chef, cleaner… they run a chore, or drop food off at your house – but preferably in a way that others know about it.  They get to boast about what a good person they are for helping out the sick person.  It’s what we might call “performative kindness”.

This sort of ‘new friend’ tends to catch you off guard.  They make an offer to help, and instead of generating a contented sigh of relief, you wonder “what’s going on here? What do they really want?”  Often, before you can figure things out, the Good Samaritan has already packed your children into their car for a playdate so you can rest… but then, after a couple of hours, they’re texting you to come pick them up… or maybe they drop them off with a casserole on the doorstep.  Tomorrow, the schoolyard will be filled with stories of the kind deed.

I know this sounds horrible.  Suspicious.  Cynical.  Un-friendly.  And I’m sorry.  I’m not a bad person.  It’s just that this has happened to me a couple of times, and the do-gooder received lots of approval but never worried too much about following up or sticking around.  So, yay-them… sort of… (not).

At the end of the day, the best friends are those that make you feel seen, respected, important… even if it is only for the duration of a phone call or a cup of coffee… for that moment, they are there for you and you matter.

There are a gazillion quotes out there about friends, but I quite like the one by the English churchman and historian Thomas Fuller (1608-1661): “friendship multiplies joy and divides grief.”

Take care friends, Linda x

[PS – speaking of friendly get-togethers, I’ve signed up for Zoom and am trying to figure out a couple of times that will work for as many countries as possible so we can do a digital global-get-together in a month’s time on Saturday the 20th of July (sounds very random, I know, but it’s just after the blog’s 6 month anniversary). I’ll send out more details closer to the time. xx]