In Australia, today is “R U OK” day – and as the website says, it is about “a national Conversation Movement that is equipping Australians with the skills and confidence to support those struggling with life.” Because, let’s face it, life isn’t easy, AND it’s not always easy to know what to say to someone who seems to be doing it a bit tough… but more often than not, it IS better to reach out than stay silent.
Which is why I am so conflicted about this post. I keep reliving the moment it relates to and trying to decide if I did the right thing. It refers (obliquely) to domestic violence, so feel free to give it a miss and I’ll speak to you again tomorrow… or reach out to find help (here if you’re Australian).
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It was a couple of weeks ago, and I was walking my two dogs very early in the morning. Walking near-dawn guarantees I beat the heat and glare, and the roads are often very quiet which helps me stay mindful in my movement. I walk for 20-40 minutes, depending on how well I’m feeling. On this day, I’d gone the long loop. For the event that’s about to unfold, I was about 30 minutes into my 40 minute walk, and starting to feel a bit fatigued, regretting the extra block I’d thrown in for good measure, keen to get home.
A young couple, in their late 20s or early 30s, turned around the corner in front of me, off the side street and onto the main street where I was, and began walking towards me.
“Fine,” the young man said to the woman as he started to move away from her, “be like that… I’m going to let you just walk this mood off on your own… I’ll go a different way… it will give you time to think about how you’re behaving…”
He wasn’t yelling at her, or waving his finger in her face, but there was something incredibly patronizing about the way he was speaking to her. It reminded me of the way you tell off a naughty toddler; “I’m very disappointed in you – sit on your bed and think about what’ve done – then hop up and come to me when you’re ready to apologize.”
His manner of speaking to her just didn’t sit right with me.
I glanced at the young lady, and she didn’t look particularly distressed or flustered. For a fraction of a second the words “mind your manners” slipped onto my tongue, and just as I was about to open my mouth, still weighing up how safe it was to intervene, the lady called after her partner’s retreating back; “fck you.” She also didn’t yell, there was almost a weary resignation to her reply. Rightly or wrongly, as I watched her keep walking past, never breaking her stride, I shut my mouth and decided she could take care of herself.
I finished my walk, but for the whole way home, I wondered what I was supposed to have done in this situation.
On one hand, all couples fight. We all get moody and resentful or impatient. We all lash out and say things we shouldn’t. Usually, we do it behind closed doors, but occasionally we might slip up and say more than we intended in public. Whilst I’ve never said “fck you” to my hubby on the street, I’m honest enough to admit I’ve muttered a few curse words in his direction over our nearly 20 years of marriage.
On the other hand, it always worries me that those accidental glimpses into someone’s life suggest that if this is happening in public, what might be going on in private? Is it automatically going to be much, much worse? I also can’t shift the feeling that by placing this moment unfolding in front of my face, the universe put me in a position to DO something… anything.
In the first few seconds after the young lady passed me, I briefly considered doubling back and asking her, “are you ok?” but I worried that I would make an embarrassing situation worse. I worried that the man might see me talking to her, and that could make trouble for her… or me. I guess if I’m honest, the ‘catastrophe-inclined’ part of my brain worried that she might turn around and say, “can I come home with you?” and then I’d have to get more involved than I’d anticipated, and if things got really out of hand, I’d potentially be putting my children in harm’s way to help her…
But since then, my worry has been of a different kind.
I’m worried I let her go without offering even the smallest acknowledgement of her situation.
I should have done something that implied “I see you”.
I should have been kinder.
I should have cared more.
I SHOULD HAVE asked “are you ok?” no matter the consequences.
The young man wasn’t super-agro, but passive aggression is still a form of aggression. And in Australia we have an epidemic of violence towards women, almost always inflicted on the females by a man they know.
There is no excuse for aggression against women.
I wish I had said so in the moment.
Mostly.
As empathetic as I feel, I guess I just don’t know how best to handle every situation safely… or how to help someone without seeming like a nosey-do-gooder.
And I suppose it’s on me to find out.
Take care out there and be kind to each other, Linda x
PS – the R U OK site has “how to ask” advice and plenty of resources – whilst it is largely about talking to people you know (rather than strangers on the street), it’s a powerful place to start:
The Mindful Migraine 
34 responses to ““Are you ok?””
There can be many ways to interpret a situation. If the calling wasn’t great enough to get you to act, you were given the chance to observe and learn. There is nothing we can do for another but the concern we feel is our contribution. Kindness is felt even if we do nothing obvious.
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That’s a nice way to put it – and I do think that had there been an emergency, I know I would have stepped up to help. Thank you, I feel better. Linda xx
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To me that situation doesn’t look like it requires your intervention. It wasn’t anything harsh or scary, it’s just an argument, even if the guy was patronizing her. I wouldn’t do anything in that situation.
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I think you’re right. I might have even read too much into the situation (a couple of readers think the woman was more of a bully). Life is complex… I guess all we can do is do our best! Xx
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Who knows what’s happening between them. It’s an unpleasant situation to find yourself in for you, but it happens.
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🌞
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I’m sort of OK.
Been feeling tired…as in ‘hit by a truck’ tired for no reason.
I’m 30 kg overweight and feeling it so much. If I don’t address this, I never will.
Gavin.
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UGH – I packed it on since covid and the hormone treatment I am on – I try to cut back on the cookies and walk more – but it’s not shifting… darn this old age gig… but it’s my new years resolution big time! Hope you get better over the weekend.
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That’s a hard one, yes he may have been treating her like a child but for all we know she may have been acting like one, she didn’t seem scared which is a good thing, saying are you ok is something I would have said though because that’s how I am. I may have said it to both of them though.
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Interesting! That’s what another reader pointed out – I might have had the situation in reverse! It goes to show that situations are often more complicated than a brief glance can fathom. (Love that you’re so brave and kind!) L xx
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Its hard when you are empathic and feel for others, and SEE them..
But reading your post, I feel you were stopped from saying what you thought by the womans own response she uttered… Its difficult, as I remember many years ago when I was pushing my toddler daughter in her pushchair on the street a couple began arguing on the opposite side of the road, He was obviously a bully, but drunk, … He was very abusive to his partner to the point I thought he was going to hit her… I too wanted to shout out leave her alone you big bully..
But I stopped myself and continued walking as I had my daughter in the pushchair… And I felt his anger could then come at me..
Like you I felt awful and almost guilty for not stepping in, That was years ago, when tempers were less aggressive .. Today with knife crime on our streets here in the UK up so much, you dare not intervene because you cannot judge the reactions of people..
You sent your thoughts out, And the energy I know also has an effect ..
Lets hope more people begin to care and start being kinder to each other soon..
Lots of love xx ❤ Sue x
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You make me feel a bit better – there’s no guarantee how people will react if we intervene (many years ago a friend of a friend got arrested for standing up to a drunk abusive boyfriend – he pushed the guy to keep him away from her, but the drunk man stumbled and fell over – the “helper” ended up charged with assault – it was dismissed, but it was an eye opener). I like your idea that caring through our energy if not our actions might still shift the dial a little bit… we can only try! L xx
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Exactly our thoughts through energy are more powerful than you think. 💖💖💖
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🥰
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Oh My… Hard choice Linda, but I I believe you did the right thing.
There was no loud shouting, no grabbing of one by the other so no reason to think it was physically abusive and it sounds to me that the woman used more vulgar language than he did.
I hope you can release it now from your mind.
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I think I need to – there’s no point holding on to memories – right or wrong, it’s done now. Thank you as always for your kind words, L xx
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I’m a survivor of domestic violence & I can tell you that if you ask a woman if she’s OK, she’s probably going to lie & say yes she is, especially if she’s with her man/abuser. & asking might very well get her more abuse from the man.
These kinds of ideas sound nice, but in reality, don’t do anything to help & could actually make things worse.
What helped me was reading Lundy Bancroft’s “Why Does He Do That?” (in secret, at first) & also calling the local DV hotline ~ I called almost everyday & all the women at the shelter knew me. When I was able to get out, I got all the help I needed.
But it wasn’t easy. Like most women, it took me more than one try to get out. Yes, I went back. I didn’t have a car, I didn’t have a job, I hadn’t finished college, even though I was in my 40s at that point, I had a son to support & a couple of cats. I was eligible for Welfare but that’s hardly enough to live on. I could always find a job but my chronic pain from being beaten & my migraines got in the way of working.
Both my son & I lived in shelters before we had our own place & I got back into college but it was hard hard hard hard hard.
I was in therapy for YEARS.
My son graduated from college with honors & now he’s in the Army. He’s currently in therapy. He’s my best friend. We talk all the time ~ well, when he’s able to. He’s married & I have a beautiful granddaughter.
I still have nightmares. I have my abuser blocked but he still calls me ~ he can leave voicemail. It’s annoying.
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😔I’m so moved by your story – thank you for sharing… your words might have a ripple effect for others who are reading them… where you are at the moment does not have to be your forever.
Nothing I say will change the events of the past, but I am always in awe of how much you have transformed your life and the way you face your future with such optimism!
Your granddaughter is proof of the power of life and love. Linda xox
(I’m beyond appalled that someone could go on leaving messages for so long… once a bully always a bully I suppose.)
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Oh he thinks that I’ll hear his voice & be like, OH I REALLY MISS YOU & call him back.
The thing is, I DO miss him. We spoke the same language. We didn’t even have to speak, we’d look at each other & know what the other was going to say & start laughing. There’s so many things that I think about & want to tell him, because I know he’d die laughing. But that’s the hook. The hook that used to get me every time.
Or like that Fleetwood Mac song, “The Chain”. It took me a long time to break that chain.
& I miss the things we used to do, hunting & fishing & hiking & cooking outdoors & all that stuff. But even the good times were tainted by his abuse. I used to say, he could ruin a good day of fishing & that’s almost impossible.
The thing is, all those good things can’t make up for all the bad things. & I’m not going back. Ever.
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No, no, no going back, I understand the pull, but you’ll find other people to laugh with… you’re too valuable, too important to compromise your safety… the price you pay is too high. Won’t be long and you’ll be fishing with your granddaughter in matching tie dye tshirts! ❤️
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You are stronger than you know. It’s harder than people realize. I know. It’s a process so be proud of yourself.
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💕
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It’s possible. Yet it’s still difficult either way. We just want everyone to be okay.
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Keep being you… you make a difference. xx
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It is so difficult to know what to do in these situations. You want to help whoever needs it most but you want to be safe as well and when you are a caring person and don’t offer help, you walk away feeling guilt. This is hard and sometimes you in up in the cross hairs. This is hard!!
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Agree… but since I posted, someone else has pointed out I might have got the scene back to front – the male reader felt it was the guy who was being hassled by the lady and was frustrated and went away to let her cool down… it didn’t feel that way, but it was an important reminder that the story is often more complicated than first impressions reveal… and that my bias potentially jumped to conclusions too quickly!
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The comments on this post are so interesting. Certainly we can’t know what was going on for sure. It’s a sensitive situation, and to be honest, I would have chosen to not speak up. Most of the time, my child is with me and my priority is to keep him safe. I hope that couple works out their differences.
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It is interesting! It shows that we might be biased, or have to be there to get the vibe… but you’re right too, we owe it to our families to weigh up whether it’s safe or necessary to get involved. Xx
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Wow, I saw this completely differently to you.
So, she’s obviously causing him pain, and rather than her yelling at him on the street he’s walking home a different way, most probably so he doesn’t get yelled at in public because she’s making a spectacle. And you saw the end of it, telling him to F off, yet he doesn’t turn around and say it back. He’s the mature one, he’s being nice and letting her calm down. They can argue at home but she wants to argue in the street and tells him to F off most likely to embarrass him because you can hear. It sounds like she’s done it before, so he just wants to get away from her and I would too.
Men and women think so differently, I find it really hard that you feel sorry for her. Sorry!
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I would have asked the guy if he was okay!
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Oh! That’s what I just realized!
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How interesting! Maybe it was a different vibe in real life and I’m not writing it well to describe what I saw and felt… but now that I think of it, you might be right… maybe she WAS the snarky one and he’d had enough… maybe I should have asked him if he was alright?!?!
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To me it’s looks like he’s in an abusive relationship and doing the best he can. You never know until you hear the full story though. She’s upset for a reason, but swearing at him in the street means she doesn’t particularly care about his feelings.
But who am I to say! Maybe they’ll get married with six kids 🙂
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Maybe they ARE married with 6 kids!!
(But you’re right – there’s always more than one side to a story!)
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