When I look back over the past few years and try to figure out “what went wrong” and why my occasional migraines became chronic… no BIG OBVIOUS answer appears. What I THINK happened is a series of smaller, negative events (hormonal, lifestyle, emotional, financial) presented themselves all at the same time in a perfectly-imperfect-storm, and together they led to what I (privately) think of as a nervous breakdown.
Not the sort that you used to see on movies, where someone becomes manic, starts throwing things, screaming, lashing out… mine was near enough silent… my nervous system just went kaput.
I had pushed myself and pushed myself and pushed myself to do this, that and some more, and I suspect my nervous system said, “fight or flight is exhausting – I can’t do it anymore… I’m sure there was supposed to be some rest and digest in this vagus nervous system, but I can’t even remember what that might feel like anymore… and so… sigh… I’m done… thanks for having me… goodbye… good night.”
My ‘nervous breakdown’ was my internal nervous system just giving up in exhaustion and putting me to bed so that I could get some rest.
The reason I wouldn’t publicly say that I had a nervous breakdown is the term carries a lot of old-fashioned stigma that automatically assumes it’s only a mental health issue – rather than a whole-body-mind-system collapse. I’d spend too long trying to explain myself to others; the purpose of the verbal shortcut would be wasted – it wouldn’t help me heal… “no, I didn’t smash crockery… no, I didn’t rage-cut all my hair off… no, I didn’t slash anyone’s tires… no, I didn’t blurt out racial profanities… no, I didn’t boil any bunnies… yes, maybe I said a few cuss words, but mostly into my pillow as I cried myself to sleep.”
In fact – I don’t think anyone but me noticed that it was happening… and maybe not even me…
But – just because I don’t say the phrase “nervous breakdown” out loud, doesn’t mean I don’t think it relates to me – I do… I really think I had some form of super-stresed-out-chronically-overwhelmed-pushed-to-the-limit-exhaustion which collapsed my nervous system, which collapsed me.
Because I can relate to the phrase “nervous breakdown” – I was sparked up and excited when I saw the phrase “nervous breakthrough” on Juliet Water’s blog Clear Path Learning:
“A little over ten years ago, I had what my charming meditation teacher calls a nervous breakthrough.”
The post “How I built my Wisephone” goes on to talk about various things including how her newspaper work decreased with the rise of smartphones, memories of her trip to Kathmandu, how a monk befriended anxiety through non-meditation, the new meditation practices which became the backbone to her growth, and her imagined wisephone filled with mindfulness techniques:
“I could still use my smartphone to connect to the external world. But when it all became too much, as it so often did, I now had my wisephone, a skillset I could use to re-connect to my innate wellbeing.”
I’m not exactly sure what my nervous breakthrough was… but I know it happened. I had an “I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired” moment and then decided “enough is enough – it’s time to heal”… perhaps that was it. A shift so deep in my soul, a whole-mind-body conviction that screamed “no more”. It got me out of bed and onto my computer to write a healing program for myself; I was going to do whatever it took to reduce my migraine pain. Interestingly, as a nervous break-through, it was as silent and deeply personal as my nervous break-down had been.
Kaput-became-conviction: I WAS GOING TO REVERSE MY DIAGNOSIS.
What about you? Have you had a nervous breakthrough and what did it look like? Was it loud and bold and public – or a silent secret (but no less determined)?
Let me know.
Meanwhile, take care taking care, Linda x
PS – Juliet let me know that her meditation teacher was Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche and the idea came from the first chapter of his book, “The Joy of Living: Unlocking the Secret and Science of Happiness”. She also sent through this short excerpt from a documentary that illustrates his “nervous breakthrough” – enjoy:
The Mindful Migraine 
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