Not too long ago I flicked through a self-discovery workbook that I found, titled “Wanting What You Have” (1998) by Timothy Miller (Ph.D.). The book had the feeling of a hybrid genre – part Cognitive Behavior Therapy (your thoughts influence your behavior which influences your thoughts) and part Buddhism (promoting the traits of compassion, awareness and gratitude).
The title is a hint to the whole: stop craving, stop desiring, stop aching for something different, other, or more… pay attention to what you have, and be grateful for the benefits you possess.
Now – novels are intended to be read in the order that they were written. It makes no sense to skip backward and forward through the contents.
[Although I once knew a guy in a Book Club ten years ago whose idea of preparing for our meetings was to read the first page, then the last, then two or three random pages in the middle, then watch the movie (for possible context; he was the only male in the group, a single-dad who seemed very lonely – but the rest of the group were married women having a night out away from our kids, so he must have known he was unlikely to “get lucky” – but he brought his unread book to every monthly meeting for a whole year, bless him!)].
If time permits, I also prefer to read the material of a non-fiction book in the same order it was arranged: front to back. Even if it’s not all relevant to what I’m looking for, I tend to start at the start, and flip through it, skim-reading as I go, slowing down for the parts I’m most interested in, until I reach THE END.
Sometimes, however, when time is tight or my focus is weak, I open a book randomly and let chance play its part.
[A bit like the word-games I created here and here.]
When I opened Dr Miller’s book, it was to page number 87 which was titled “Anxiety”. As I slid my eyes over a long Bible quote from The Book of Ecclesiastes, and another long quote from a Tibetan monk, I landed on this:
“…anxiety is inevitable. Few people escape it. This fact seems cruel because anxiety may also be the most painful emotion. Depression aches, but anxiety cuts and stabs”.
OOOPH!
As someone who has lived with my fair share of anxiety over the years (and some depression due to the relentlessness of my migraine pain) – Dr Miller’s words were their own form of a cutting-stab to the heart.
Dr Miller then goes on to recognize that some anxiety is necessary for survival, and might even prevent you from needless suffering, however, too much anxiety can be a “curse”. He then notes that there is a certain paradox to anxiety – try to ignore it, and it gets worse. The best option, he suggests, is to slowly approach your anxieties head on. Social situations make you feel panicky? Slowly start getting out and about a bit more often, desensitizing yourself over time. His second suggestion is to reframe anxiety, and instead of thinking of it as a weakness, think of it as “too much of a good thing”. The idea is that you will be less resentful or frustrated, and less down on yourself.
[This is something that has come up in terms of migraines too – migraines are trying to keep you safe, they just go about it in an unnecessarily exaggerated way! (see more here)]
Dr Miller provides an activity in the workbook that you can try – imagine a handful of negative situations (someone panicking due to sudden turbulence on a plane, a public speaker stammering and forgetting their lines, someone getting distraught when they realize they are lost, or a person throwing up in the bushes of a park). Now imagine how you or your friends, or colleagues, or relatives would respond to those “anxious” people.
As Dr Miller notes, you and your acquaintances are likely to be “kind” and “compassionate”, helping the person as best you can, or at worst, being “civil” whilst moving away. It is unlikely that you or your friends would mock the unfortunate person, ridicule them, laugh, point, humiliate them or deliberately try to make their situation worse.
Now reverse the thinking and imagine you might be the unfortunate person – chances are no one around you is going to be cruel – in fact, as Dr Miller says, you should assume everyone is “innocent until proven guilty” – assume the best of society, not the worst.
[That said, I have been a public-puker, vomiting due to a sudden migraine, and no one offered me assistance… in one case, I was reprimanded for being so drunk so early in the morning… so my migraine-nausea DOES still make me anxious… but… let’s try to stay positive… SO… moving right along…]
The chapter concludes that “the ultimate goal of wanting what you have is loving life” (page 99).
The ultimate goal for healing yourself from chronic pain (and the depression and anxiety that often goes hand-in-hand with that pain) might seem like it’s to reduce the pain, but really it’s to LOVE LIFE.
Here’s hoping that you can find a way to love YOUR life.
Remember, no matter how lonely you sometimes might feel, no matter how hopeless it can seem – there are ALWAYS more things that you can try, and there ARE people out there who want to help you heal – don’t give up.
Take care, always, Linda xx
The Mindful Migraine 
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