I couldn’t decide what to call today’s post. The polite version of what I want to write about relates to “wearing a mask” when you live with chronic pain. I often find myself smiling politely to people when I really feel like sleeping / sighing / crying. It’s not the people I’m with that make me feel like sleeping / sighing /crying (at least not always) – it’s the pain that sits behind my right eye 24/7. It’s exhausting – but – I also know that my pain and exhaustion are not always contextually appropriate. I don’t WANT to be the wet blanket at every event, the Debbie Downer who adds an element of negativity to everything. It’s just that I’m feeling a little tired and overwhelmed. And although I’m trying to hide that tiredness, sometimes my face gives it away…
Sometimes the mask slips.
You’ve probably seen “Happy-Sad” memes, GIFs, and reels: where a husband and wife, or two sisters, or two mates beam enthusiastically at each other or for the camera, then one of the pair turns away and the person who’s standing behind them changes – their face… FALLS. It’s like the smile slides right off their chin and onto the floor, and a switch turns out the light in their eyes.
In that moment, you know that their super-enthusiastic pleasure was forced not felt.
That doesn’t mean that they don’t care for the other person, or that they don’t want to be there in the moment… but it probably does mean that on some level, they really would prefer to be somewhere else.
When you live with chronic pain, anxiety or even just have a very introverted personality (tick, tick, tick) it can be hard to always show up the way others want you to. Sometimes “super-enthusiastic” is a drain… sometimes you just want to be your authentic self… and that’s where RBF comes in (or RAF if you’re male (apparently)).
That was my second option for the post title: “Resting B!@#$ Face”.
I have RBF…. I’ve always had it.
I’ve had chronic RBF longer than I’ve had chronic migraine.
There’s a lot of negativity and stigma towards people like me who look like they’re dying inside when they have their photo taken, people who only smile when something genuinely funny is happening… and even then, it’s probably only going to tweak my lip a little or add a sparkle to my eyes.
It’s NOT because I’m an inherently miserable person. I’m just listening, looking, and thinking about what’s going on around me – I’m too busy paying attention to other things that I forget to “animate” my face… but believe me when I say, it’s still possible that I’m “lit up” ON THE INSIDE.
Many months ago, I blogged about an experimental selfie-photo-shoot I did for myself when the family was out (here) – the results are below. None of the selfies are really RBF because I was trying so hard to look happy. After I started mucking around, the smile appears more genuine… but I know, that inside me, the same reservations about feeling foolish remained. When you compare the top left to the bottom right, you can probably guess which version of me society would consider “happy” – and yet the reality is actually the reverse. In the first photo I was contentedly me. In the last I was trying to be a toothy-version of me that would satisfy societal expectations, but was, in my mind, a tad overdone.
Curious to know a bit more about RBF and what’s going on, I did a quick bit of research. Here’s what Wikipedia says: “Resting b!@#$ face (RBF) is a facial expression that unintentionally creates the impression that a person is angry, annoyed, irritated, or contemptuous, particularly when the individual is relaxed, resting, or not expressing any particular emotion.”
It definitely seems to carry a lot of gender negativity, but according to research it also tends to be more prevalent in smarter people (cough-cough), people with downward angled features (not really), or those who have a tendency towards feeling contempt for what other people are saying (ah-ummm…)
One article I read gives you tips on how to ‘cure’ your RBF, which includes wearing makeup to reangle your features, wearing accessories to distract people from looking at your face, pushing your tongue onto the roof of your mouth, and lastly – “just own it”: Resting Bitch Face: How to Fix Your RBF Forever (With Science) (scienceofpeople.com)
Here’s a couple of other websites that talk about the (dis)advantages of being a woman with RBF:
Resting Bitch Face Is Good for You, According to Science | Marie Claire
Women with “resting bitch face” are actually better communicators (qz.com)
Anyway – I guess I distracted myself and fell down a rabbit-hole that doesn’t have a lot to do with healing chronic anything… blingy accessories anyone?
I’ll try to get back on the healing track next week – until then, have a good weekend, and remember, not everyone with RBF is a B… some of us are just darn tired, but we really are trying our best to give you every ounce of our super-enthusiasm!
Take care taking care, Linda xox
PS – I found a webpage that has 19 RBF memes (here): and this is my most-relatable favorite:
The Mindful Migraine 
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