Only a brief post today…. and a trigger warning since I talk about death…
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While I was down the coast some time ago, I went to the beach to walk the dogs. I wasn’t in a great mood. I knew that a walk on the beach was a good thing, but I was feeling sick, and that was a bad thing. And feeling bad when I should feel good made me cranky at my migraine. Feeling cranky at my migraine then made me frustrated about all the things that migraine had “ruined” or “stolen” from me, all the things I had “lost”; time, energy, opportunities, memories…
After a grumpy-glorious-beach-stroll (yes, it’s possible) I was huffing and puffing my way up an interminably long flight of stairs from the beach to the carpark when my eyes fell on two things within the space of two meters, and the timespan of two seconds.
+ The first was a set of house keys sitting on the stair rail’s timber post; someone had lost them, and someone else had put them here in the hope that they would be found again.
+ The second thing was a small, makeshift memorial. In this instance, it was the someone who had been lost, and the hope was that they would be remembered rather than found.
[Image source: my photos]
Perhaps I was still recovering from my long climb, or perhaps it was the assemblage of trinkets, but I confess; seeing the two things almost side-by-side took my breath away. I’ve lost keys and loved ones. And the pain is different, because the finality and the consequences are different.
Mostly, however, I think my breathlessness was the result of a flash of self-awareness-shame. OK, so I have lost a lot because of migraine… but I’m here, now, huffing and puffing, and staring at a memorial.
As I looked at the keys, I imagined someone frantically searching through their backpack or glovebox to find them, cursing as they realized they were lost… but had the potential to be found… had the potential to be overruled by a locksmith who can pick locks… the problem would be solved… the person would move on… it was a massive inconvenience, no doubt… but wasn’t an enormous drama in the scheme of a whole lifetime…
The mindfulness guru Jon Kabat-Zinn has a saying that I used to hate (almost as much as German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche’s “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” (1888)), but after climbing those beach-stairs that day, I think I now appreciate it with new eyes and heart: “As long as you are breathing, there is more right with you than there is wrong, no matter how ill or how hopeless you may feel.”
Chronic pain sux – but if you’re reading this – you’re OK, there’s more right than wrong, you’re not completely lost, and there is always a solution to be found (even if it takes time)… always more keys to pick your locks… keep trying to heal and be happy – stay strong… and remember there are so many people out there who will be happy to help you.
Take care taking care, ALWAYS, Linda xox
The Mindful Migraine 
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