The Mindful Migraine

A little while ago, I wrote about a lingering pain I labelled “my migraine’s scar howl“. One of my lovely readers, the fabulous blogger Sue Dreamwalker, replied to the post with encouragement and kindness – and a reference to shadow work.

I’ve never heard the phrase before, but it piqued my interest… and what I discovered felt helpful enough to share with all of you.

That said – the subject resides in the realm of psychoanalysis and as such, risks pulling off band aids that were potentially in place for a reason.

[Disclaimer – I am not a trained psychologist – anything written here is my best understanding of a complex subject – please see a trained professional if you believe that psychological help is required to help you heal (as it so often is).]

If you are keen to keep reading, then I would still ask you to – STOP – and grab a piece of paper and a pen.

For today’s post I want to try something different.

Today’s post is activity based.

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According to Psychology Today, the Swiss psychologist Carl Jung described the shadow as “the repressed parts of ourselves, the parts we find unpleasant or cannot tolerate acknowledging” – our shadows consist of “the aspects of ourselves that contradict our characteristics that we do like and want to be recognized for.”

Before I kept reading, I made a quick list of the first 7 characteristics that came to mind when I asked myself “what characteristics do I want to be recognized for?”

[My list included things like kind, capable, creative…]

Your turn – write down your top 7 characteristics you would like to be recognized for.

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Reading my list of positive traits made me feel good. I acknowledge I might not be all those things at all times, but I generally aim to be, and that makes me happy.

How do you feel looking at your list of words?

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The article goes on: “When we recognize our shadow sides coming up, we try to avoid acknowledging those parts at all costs.”

Whilst the article did not clarify the leap from capabilities to shadow-sides, I’m guessing it’s the flip side of the core characteristcs. The opposite of ‘capable’ for example is something like ‘incompetent’, ‘inefficient’ or ‘inept’.

Just writing those words down and imagining myself as those things gives me the shivers… so whilst I can already sense where this might be going, I pulled myself up and returned to my list.

I wrote down the opposites for each of my 7 words, as if it were an English exercise – a word game – without imagining them as being associated to myself.

[My list included words like lazy, vague, dependent…]

Write down the 7 opposites of your chosen words – no judgement or assessment – just write.

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Re-reading through this new list of 7 words, I didn’t really like the look of the list. I couldn’t really imagine what it would be like if I turned into that list – OR – if I would really still like myself if I ever became all those things…

And yet…

…in some ways I had come to display many of those characteristics as a result of my chronic pain. I was essentially bed-bound for the better part of the year 2023, my brain fuddled with fog, my family and friends required to do many of my houseworky tasks… which all sounds kind of lazy, vague and dependent to me!

Here then, was a hint of that Shadow Self that I might not be very kind to – a Shadow Self that I might not express patience with or honor in the slightest…

Would you like you if you became your list of 7 opposites?

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Back to the article – “When we see other people demonstrating our shadow traits, we may have strong negative reactions, because we (1) do not want to be associated with those traits and (2) may resent that other people get to express those sides of themselves, while we don’t.”

It makes sense to me.

I can’t imagine befriending a person who had all 7 of my “bad” traits. I also can’t imagine staying in touch with a friend if they became that sort of character (ouch!). The people that I know who do occasionally display the negative traits I have listed often “get under my skin” in the moments they display those “weaknesses”, or make me frustrated enough to have to bite my tongue (until I get home and I unleash my opinions on my hubby).

How about you – are you respectful to the people who display the traits you don’t respect?

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The article goes on to note that our shadows are rarely seen clearly; “to look at them directly would be too painful”. It is easier for other people to spot the shadows – but when they do identify the shadows AND point them out to you – then conflict usually arises.

No one likes to have their weaknesses pointed out.

In my mind, I ran through some past situations when I had told someone about a potential problem and things exploded (even though I thought I had been very diplomatic in my telling). I remembered the times that I had simmered with silent (or not so silent) rage when someone else had pointed my Shadow Self out to me… including those times when I had pointed out my “negative” traits to myself.

Can you think of a time when you gave or received Shadow Self advice?

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The article then goes on to describe Shadow Work as the reconciliation of our preferred opinion of ourselves, and the Shadow Self… reconciling the “baggage” of our past with who we are now.

It’s hard to go too much further with this subject without getting either very personal or riskily raw. From here on in, it becomes a subject you need to explore with caution. Whilst I did find some very interesting journal prompts that will help your self-exploration, for many of us, they may be better handled with a professional.

For example, I found this: 100 Shadow Work Prompts for Healing & Self-Growth. Questions such as “Reflect on a recent mistake without judgment. What can you learn from it, and how can you use it as a tool for growth?” felt “safe” to me. I can lean into some of the memories I just raised about conflict with other people, and using the word “judgement” bring new insight to the situation.

Other question-prompts which tie childhood memories to self-worth, or prompts that encourage you to delve into memories of abandonment or betrayal, seem “riskier”. That’s not to say they should be ignored – I’m just saying you probably need to be in the right place (with the right people) to lift the lid on those topics…

Ultimately, the articles all refer to the benefits of this difficult work; self-awareness and a move towards self-acceptance.

Amusingly (and affirmingly) when I got to the end of the Psychology Today article, it recommended an activity that you could try – and wow – it was pretty much exactly what I just did! Only, they suggested that you list 5 traits, then 5 opposite traits, then imagine a person who was all those 5 characteristics, and then (and I REALLY like this):

“…try to identify some positive aspects of how they might behave and what they might say to you if you met them. Finally, acknowledge the strengths that this person who is ‘opposite’ to you does bring to the table.”

[When I did this exercise, I acknowledged that someone with my “opposite” traits would actually be a pretty chill person, and whilst I would always prefer to avoid someone really boring, I can be mature enough to acknowledge we can’t all be interesting all the time. I still think I would struggle to respect someone who was downright mean (the opposite to my preferred trait of kindness), however, I could accept that maybe they were just a bit more honest or blunt than me… or they had a difficult life that caused them to act a certain way… or perhaps if their meanness was associated with “selfishness” then it enabled them to put themselves first in a way that was braver than I usually am, and therefore potentially admirable rather than totally terrible.]

What about you – can you find good in the bad?

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A slightly long post today, sorry – but sometimes the hard stuff is worth the effort – as are you!

Stay curious my friends, and…

Take care taking care, Linda x