In 2018, there was a massive uproar in the Australian news about an image that was placed on the hoarding of a construction site, on the campus of Adelaid University. Can you see why?
[Image source: Ad outside future Adelaide university building ridiculed]
I’ll let the newspaper author explain it: “The ad on hoardings […] features an image of five young women surrounding a young man who, with arms raised, is apparently in the act of uttering an idea of great importance.”
Just look at the faces of the two on the furthest right-hand side: it’s something like contempt mixed with boredom-misery!! I think it’s particularly unlucky that the man appears to be looking into the distance rather than making eye contact with anyone in the picture… he has an almost evangelical zeal about his post-it-notes…
As it turns out, the graphic was NOT part of the university’s ad (their full hoarding-ad was to the left and cropped out of view). The image actually belonged to Renewal SA (a South Australian government initiative).
OK, so the authorship changed… but regardless… that is not a particularly motivational image.
It really does look like a tragic case of ‘mansplaining’.
I’m sure you’ve heard of the phrase before, but if you haven’t, it is when a man over-explains something to women in a condescending or patronizing way. The result is… neatly summarized by the faces on the women in the image… UGH.
Comments at the time threw out comparisons to “Mansplaining – the statue” on the grounds of a university in Texas:
[Image source: Sculptor Paul Tadlock defends work of art and claims it does not show ‘mansplaining’]
Here again, ownership of the message was denied, but this time, the sculptor said the statue (from the 1990s) was just two friends chatting amicably.
I can accept there is a little bit of nuance in how you might read this image. Whilst the brass man could be innocently stretching out his hamstrings, there’s a backwards-lean to her body (away from his forwards-lean) that implies “get me out of here”.
[For me, the statue brings back very strong memories of a boss I had in the 1990s. He had a nasty habit of hoisting his belt up, putting one foot up on a storage box next to my desk, thrusting his hips forward and then looking down at me as he talked. I always felt trapped under his rude gaze, uncomfortably close to his manhood. (But then again, he was not a very nice person, so he probably could have stood there completely straight, and he would have still made me unhappy).]
But don’t get me wrong – I don’t want this to be a gender-bashing-post.
Because, genders aside – NO ONE enjoys someone talking down to them as if they are incredibly wise and you are nothing but a fool.
And it’s not just in the context of places of study or work.
If I’m really honest, I have had doctors and strangers essentially pontificating to me about my migraine pain – even when they have never had a migraine-pain-day in their lives.
Let’s call it “painsplaining”.
Doctors have explained to me (in overly-exaggerated simplistic terms) what a migraine is and how it can be treated with the medication script they are going to write. When I try to interrupt, to let them know I’ve had migraines for decades, or I’ve already tried that medication, they cut across me and keep talking – their version of the situation is the only one that matters.
I’ve also had well-meaning strangers go on for a little longer than necessary about the advantages of Yoga, supplements or hydration. I’m not against any of those solutions, (I’m a huge fan of hydration and Yin Yoga), and am not specifically against (un)solicited advice in general – BUT if their feedback is generic and invasive – they’re probably not really interested in hearing my side of the story, let alone why those solutions might not work for me (medically, financially, emotionally or otherwise). All they really want is for me to listen and, I suspect, admire their intelligence.
Turns out I’m not the first person to consider painsplaining.
I found a long Reddit conversation where people complained of painsplaining solutions that covered everything from “have you tried physio / massage / Reiki / aromatherapy / detox / cannabis / more sleep / exercise / aqua aerobics…”
One comment that jumped out was something along the lines of “what about painsplaining to yourself?”
Hmmm…
As a pain patient, I am pretty focused on what other people are saying to me, (or at me), I hadn’t thought to turn the mirror around. I don’t think I painsplain to myself (I still think of myself as a learner not a lecturer) but maybe there’s a hint of me painsplaining to all of you on this blog.
Hopefully not.
Because I think tone is important… and hopefully my posts read as encouraging and inquisitive not as: “this is the one and only answer, now hear me and ignore all else…!!”
Before I leave, there’s a Forbes article about mansplaining that’s worth summarizing. The author states that after she had given a presentation, several members of the audience came up to thank her. One man, however, “made a beeline for me. He told me what a good job I’d done, then went on to give his opinion of how I could have been better […] Now one can always improve and certainly, I already knew things I would have changed. But it struck me that he felt a need to educate me on my own area of expertise, without even bothering to ask my background.”
Whilst the article is referring to how women can feel more confident talking to men at work, the ideas can be less gendered, and used to hold your ground against anyone, of any gender, who is being a bit of a verbal bully about your pain.
The article gives 5 ways to push back gently:
+ The hip check: “Think of the move in basketball or hockey where the player gives a small nudge to send a message. It’s not a push, so not overly aggressive, it simply says ‘I see you’ […] By doing this we’re setting subtle parameters and adjusting behavior.”
+ The quip: “Humor can also send a message in a less confrontational way. It helps […] set boundaries artfully with less risk of offense: the message gets out with a softer landing.”
+ The redirect: redirect attention to someone else in the conversation: “‘Steve, before we go there I’d like to hear what Cindy thinks.’ This doesn’t have to be overly scripted, just a way to delicately share the time more equitably.”
+ The outdoor voice: “This is the opposite of that polite ‘indoor voice’ we’ve been conditioned to have. If a meeting is ruled by loud voices, you simply must make yours a little bit louder to make your point. That’s how space is claimed.”
+ The call out: “Most of the time, I find that [people] don’t realize they’re doing it and don’t mean ill intent. […] The straightforward act of bringing it up can be enough to shift perception – and to enhance your own development.”
I suspect it’s a bit of a horses for courses situation. For the ladies at the group meeting on the university hoarding, a redirect might work, or a quip. For the statue-lady in the chair, maybe calling him out (as they’re alone) would be better…
Anyway – it’s something to think about next time someone lectures you about your pain.
Whichever option you choose – stay safe.
Take care taking care, Linda x
PS – apologies to the man in the free Pexels image I started this post with – I have no idea how much love and patience he has in his heart… he was just the closest picture I could find to the topic at hand!
PPS – One of my blogging friends, Melinda at Looking For The Light, recently recounted her story about how she was lucky enough to end her migraines: My Migraine Story Had A Simple Solution. Her medical solution (a Deviated Septum) is not going to be the cure to all our migraines, but her post is a reminder that there are solutions out there if you stay curious. Best bit – her post is delivered with raw honesty, and not an ounce of painsplaining! L xx
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