Somewhere, long ago, I remember hearing the notion that ‘personal boundaries are like picket fences.’ The idea was that you can be immersed in a community and set apart. Fences act as a demarcation between a shared space and what is private. They create the reassurance of a line that ought not be crossed – without permission.
We each have different fences. Some of us have swapped the white picket fence for a tall masonry wall. We’re like the selfish giant in the Oscar Wilde fairytale whose fence screams ‘stay out’, whilst simultaneously tempting the town’s children to try to breach it. Others have potentially forgone the fence altogether and are happy to have green grass unite their place with everyone else’s. Anyone can approach and anyone can ask anything of these people.
The metaphor of ‘personal boundaries are fences’ is good – but also flawed.
When we build a house, we tend to build the fence – once. It is fixed in place and unlikely to change. When we establish our personal boundaries however, they remain in a state of flux. They change depending on who we are with and what mood we are in. We’ll ‘drop our guard’ to let a loved one embrace us, but we’ll ‘put our defenses up’ when a stranger approaches us. When we’re feeling well and ‘laid back’ we are happy to be asked a favor, but when we’re sick, we need to ‘pull up the drawbridge’ and retreat. Some days we’re happy to help others, other times any request is going to feel like it’s just too much.
The potential problem with this, is that whilst we intuitively understand our own fences are in flux, others might not be as aware. If you were a ‘come on in’ sort of person to someone last week, chances are they will assume the same of you today. If you’re shy or a people-pleaser (like me) you might not be bold enough to point out that the demarcation line has shifted.
I have two teenage daughters, and you quickly learn that whilst they might be happy to snuggle at home, there’s much less chance you’ll get a hug at the school gate in front of their classmates. Similarly, you have to remember to keep asking “do you want help / privacy / attention?” rather than just make an assumption about where their personal boundaries lie today, in this particular moment, for this particular issue.
It’s hard, but I think it’s important to keep communicating your boundaries to others, even to those who know you best.
I love a good hug – unless I have a migraine – then it makes me feel like I might vomit. Sorry, but it’s true. Sometimes friends wear too much perfume for me to feel comfortable approaching. Other times I’m using all my energy to stand up; my ‘fuel tank is empty’ and I don’t have anything left to give. It’s going to be uncomfortable for both of us if you keep asking for help to reorganize your kitchen cupboards or mind your kids.
Maybe you can make a joke of it so as not to hurt people’s feelings. Let them know that today’s a ‘green grass day’ so they can come on in and ask anything of you, or be clear that it’s the opposite, with a ‘woah-there partner, can’t you see the moat I made around me? Maybe try again later’.
It all reminds me of the Robert Frost poem, “Mending Wall” (1914) which ends “Good fences make good neighbors”. When you read the whole poem there’s a hint of warning loaded into the words, as well as mischievous sarcasm. But I think we can take them at face value here and repeat the phrase as Frost’s neighbor does; “Good fences make good neighbors”.
Take care, and keep mending. Linda.
(PS. In our house we observe the Easter tradition, so I will be offline for the next few days, back to blogging on Tuesday or Wednesday.)
The Mindful Migraine 
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