Some time ago, I wrote about the neurologist who said you should ‘make friends’ with your migraine. When you’re in the depth of chronic migraine, it is very hard to imagine befriending a foe so painful… but – there is truth in this sentiment.
At the very beginning of my holistic healing journey, my neurologist put me in touch with a Yoga teacher who also does one-on-one guided meditations via Zoom. You sit on your lounge room floor, and she on hers, and you place your laptop or Ipad on a coffee table nearby. There were times when it was a little bit strange, such as when she would say “lie down and listen to my voice”, and you knew that you would have disappeared off the computer’s camera and she was staring at the side of your couch and one of your knees. Mainly, however, it worked fine; it was her voice after all that was important, not so much being able to see her face.
After doing some stretches together and some breathing exercises, I am ashamed to say that I was starting to wonder if I was ‘going to get my money’s worth’. A lot of what she was doing I could find for free on YouTube. I also had a strange moment where the image of a shopping trolley flashed into my mind, and I imagined how many groceries I could buy for my family with the money I was spending on myself. I started to feel a bit selfish and misguided. But I also tried to remind myself that I was ‘worth it’ and that YouTube’s not personal; I miss out on someone pointing out that my shoulders are creeping up, or that my frowning puts tension in my face.
Anyway – after a while, she told me to lie back on the ground with one hand on my heart and one on my stomach/diaphragm. She told me that she was going to say a series of affirmations and I should repeat them in my head and ‘feel them’ in my heart. She said we’d ‘try a few on for size’ as it were, and ‘see what resonates’.
“I am strong,” she said. (I am strong, I repeated in my mind.)
“I am kind,” she said. (I am kind, I repeated.)
“I feel brave,” she said. (I feel brave, I repeated.)
“I am at peace,” she said. (I am…)
I didn’t get to the end of my internalized sentence before I burst into tears.
After I had sobbed a few, great, big, hearty, breathless sobs, I pulled myself together and had a revelation.
“I am NOT at peace,” I said, “I feel as if I have been ‘fighting’ pain non-stop for months and months. I am thoroughly exhausted from relentlessly ‘waging war’ against my migraine ‘attacks’. I am so demoralized by the fact that as a migraine ‘warrior’, I am ‘losing the battle’. I constantly feel ‘defeated’.”
In that instant, I recognized how much of my internal narrative was built upon battle-language. Worse still, by fighting a war against migraine, I was turning against MYSELF. My migraine wasn’t something separate to me – it WAS me. To hate migraines was to hate a part of myself. Hating my migraine-self was a very short step away from self-loathing. Certainly, I realized, I was a long way removed from a position of self-respect, self-compassion or self-acceptance.
As I spoke to her, there was a lot of sniffles and sighs, but mostly a great sense of unburdening. She had helped me shift something heavy off my heart. I felt as if I had permission to lay down my weapons and take off my armor. And wow, did I feel lighter! I could rest at last.
I felt at peace.
My migraine-brain is a nuisance, I wish it were different. But, importantly, my migraine-brain is trying to send me signals to protect me, and yeah, sure, it has a pretty glitchy, overly dramatic way of sending those signals, but it is not intentionally ruining my life.
My migraine-brain is NOT the enemy.
If you suffer from chronic pain, put down your weapons. Stop waging war. Have a rest from fighting for a while. If you can, make friends with your body. Thank it for trying to do its best, the best it knows how. Show it some compassion. It might sound silly, or even too good to be true, but the shift in thinking has been momentous for me, and that’s why, with all my heart, I hope that you are able to find peace.
Best wishes and take care taking care, Linda x
PS – thank you Maryanne.
PPS – groceries come and go, whilst self-love is invaluable… so remember you are more than worthy of healing. ALWAYS.
The Mindful Migraine 
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