This post is potentially a little bit controversial, but… I think it warrants my time and yours to put it out there and get people thinking… and talking.
Months ago, I read a blog post written by someone with a disability. They wrote that despite the day-to-day difficulties they were experiencing, they had recently had a great weekend out and about which had exceeded their expectations. I wrote a comment exactly in line with my normal language and inchstone-celebrating-sentiment, some version of my regular “woo hoo – yay you!” I pushed send, and simultaneously sent my good-will vibes out to the author via the universe.
Not long after, I received a reply to my reply, and… OUCH did it hurt!
I can’t remember exactly what it said, but it was something to the effect of, “your woo hooing is a patronizing form of ableism. I don’t need your praise when I succeed. Perhaps you should be more careful what you write in the future.”
Whatever the actual words were, they hit me like a slap in the face or a kick in the guts.
I was genuinely shocked. With a face flaring fire-engine red, I went back and re-read what I’d written. I re-read it three times. Each time I read my words, I tried and tried to see it in the same light as the blogger must have read it. I could SORT OF see where they were coming from, but because I KNEW my intentions were pure, I couldn’t justify the smack-down I was getting in return for what was a basically a note of congratulations.
If I had one complaint about what I had written, it would be that my cheers might seem insincere, lame or lazy, because they bordered on the generic. I accept that, and as such, potentially deserved some push-back.
That said, I am ashamed to admit that I had a terrible and immediate urge to push back against the push-back. The blogger wanted to educate me on my ignorance, well let me tell you that I was dreadfully tempted to educate them right back; “thank you very much for assuming the worst of me in a moment when I was genuinely celebrating the best for you.”
But that wouldn’t be fair. Their reply probably speaks volumes about the way they are treated, (or feel that they are treated), all the time by strangers. The snappy response may well have come at the end of a long day where they HAD been relentlessly patronized. Perhaps I was simply the last straw. Maybe the blogger took their role of anti-ableism-educator very seriously, and recognized what a slippery slope ableism is, and wanted to “nip it at the bud”, as it were.
Online, there are often posts and discussions, written by people with disabilities, that express the frustration they feel when people celebrate them brushing their teeth, or worse, seem to enjoy looking at their difficulties in what has been termed (sorry in advance) “disability porn”. Distress and suspicion are honest responses to what a lot of people experience.
ABLEISM IS REAL.
And it hurts.
As someone with a debilitating disability, (albeit an invisible one that comes and goes, rather than a condition which is visible and permanent) – I get it. Or at least, I get it, as best I can from my position of impairment. We’re all different and it would be presumptuous to assume I REALLY get it.
If you, like me, are watching the Para-Olympics, then you might have a sense of the slippery slope of ableism. I am genuinely SO impressed by the feats these athletes achieve, and even more so when I compare them to the limited activities my body can perform. BUT, I can also see why people with disabilities might worry about being seen as “especially inspirational” – no matter the good will behind the thought.
For me, if someone congratulates me for my achievements, shaking their head from side to side and saying, “I just don’t know how you manage to get it all done given how many hours a week you lose being sick in bed”, I tend to know in a heartbeat whether it is genuine support or, (very rarely), a thin veil disguising something deeper and darker, motivated by pity or disrespect.
In the end, I took a deep breath and replied to the blogger with something along the lines of “I’m sorry that I made you feel this way. As someone who lives with chronic migraine, I have spent most of the last two years unable to leave my bedroom. I genuinely admire and respect anyone who is able to overcome their limitations and make the most of their day, given how often I myself fail. My celebration of your success was heartfelt. Here’s hoping you have many more wonderful days that exceed your expectations, Linda xox.”
The reply to my reply (to their reply) was a little sheepish. And confirmed my hunch. They implied that they were so used to people being condescending, they automatically assumed that I was being condescending too.
Fair enough.
It’s an important reminder that what is SAID and what is HEARD are not always the same thing.
And, equally importantly, that we all have a responsibility to make sure that we are polite and thoughtful in our interactions with each other, no matter our level of (dis)ability.
Everyone deserves to be treated with the same dignity and respect.
Take care carefully, Linda xox
The Mindful Migraine 
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