The Mindful Migraine

As a person who was diagnosed with a chronic pain condition over two years ago, there is NOTHING that holds a greater priority in my head and heart than healing.  I REALLY want to get better.

Now, that might sound like I’m de-prioritizing my family, but that’s not true.  They mean the world to me, and I love them more than anything… it’s just that I can’t really do very much with them, or for them, when I’m sick.

When my two daughters recently made it to the Grand Finals for soccer, I was so excited to see them perform in this potential once-in-a-lifetime event.  Pity then that I missed BOTH games due to a three-day migraine.  They WERE my absolute priority that weekend, but I just could NOT get out of bed to celebrate their success with them. 

That’s why, for all the love I have for them, in the big picture that is “quality of life”, healing is my number one priority.

So then, it’s pretty obvious that if your doctor gives you a To Do List to heal your chronic pain, you’ll follow it until you get better… right?

Yes and no.

Here’s the thing.  When you are given the list, chances are you’re in a very low place, feeling sick and sorry for yourself, exhausted.  You probably feel as if you’ve already tried “everything” and nothing has worked, so your motivation is nearly zero.  Perhaps your self-esteem is dipping too, because you’ve ‘failed’ at getting better up until now.  The thought of changing your routine, or adding to it, might make you anxious and trigger deeper concerns about your ability to cope.  You might even be slipping towards depression. 

That’s how I was feeling when my neurologist gave me a To Do List – and because of that – here’s what happened next:

Let’s take just one item on the To Do list I was given: Yin Yoga.  I decided to give it a go.  I’d heard of Yoga but not Yin Yoga, and assumed it might have something to do with Yin and Yang, but that’s about it.  After a quick web search, I found a video of a Yin Yoga class, propped it on the coffee table and pushed start, excited to heal.

The video started with a simple “sit on the floor and cross your legs”.  Already I was in trouble.  After a year of being in bed, I was stiff and awkward.  She was doing a tricky pretzel-twist with her feet, whilst I was struggling to get into a school-yard cross-legged posture.  I also realized that wearing jeans was probably a rookie mistake.  From then on, it just seemed to get worse.  The lady was trim and fit, and I was not.  She moved in a way that made everything look easy, whilst I was clumsy and uncoordinated.  As she pulled herself into a variety of bendy positions, the perfectionist in me got frustrated.  I started to think about all the other physical activities I had been hopeless at, the humiliation of all that time spent on the bench.  The people-pleaser in me kept the video going, (no quitters here!), but my mood was getting worse.  The folds she was doing also placed pressure on my stomach and made me feel nauseous.  I was becoming super-aware of the triple-ripple of my “muffin-top” belly and started to feel glum.  Some of the postures didn’t seem to be supporting my neck (which gets very tense from migraine), and having my head on the floor was hurting…

I can’t remember how long the video was that I chose, but it was probably 40-60 minutes.  Regardless, I didn’t make it to the end of the routine, and gave up. 

I was tempted to give up Yin Yoga for good.

BUT – I had prioritized self-healing, so I didn’t.

What I DID do, was I looked for OTHER Yin Yoga videos.  Videos that specifically mentioned headache, migraine or nausea in the title.  I found that these videos used much more props, such as pillows and folded blankets.  They protected your neck and head and moved even slower than the other videos.  I also looked for videos that were short, or used the term “beginner” in them – it had been silly to start a new activity with an hour-long video that wasn’t designed for absolute beginners.

I kept trying, and exploring, and experimenting.

I discovered a thing called Chair Yoga which worked much better on the days that I was feeling vomitty, because it kept me mostly upright.  I also discovered that there was a genre of videos called “Yoga for Seniors”.  Whilst I’m only in my early 50s, the videos were much more suited to my level of strength and balance.  There was also a channel where a middle-aged lady did the moves beside her elderly mother; the two of them adjusted their bending and stretching to suit their body’s ability – so I could too. 

Finally, I could keep up.  They seemed to get ME.  I felt motivated and capable.  When I found the videos that suited me better, I felt better. 

Now, instead of feeling resentful and frustrated, keen to quit but angry at myself for wanting to give up, I felt like I was making progress.

Yin Yoga was still Yin Yoga, BUT my mindset was different.

I recognized (in hindsight) that some of the reasons I remained for so long in my chronic pain mess – feeling constantly stressed and overwhelmed, pushing myself to conform to other people’s expectations and my own high standards – was that my thoughts were influencing my early attempts to heal.  Influencing those attempts in a NEGATIVE way.

Instead of just doing the Yoga moves, whether I realized it or not, I was ALSO running a commentary over (or under… or pretzel-like-through) the movements that I was doing:

“Oh look, I’m failing at sitting cross-legged – failing again – surprise! // This is taking up so much of my time and I have so many other things that I need to get done.  // I can feel it’s not doing anything, so why bother wasting anymore time if it’s not working? // Why am I the only person in the world who can’t sit cross-legged? // If I throw up will I be allowed to stop, will the doctor give me a free-pass and a pill so I don’t have to do this anymore? // Ugh, I hate teacher-lady for being better than me. // Why is everyone else’s life so much easier? // Maybe if I went to a real class… no… everyone would laugh hysterically at my uselessness…”

In Yin Yoga, you move slowly into a position, and hold that position for a few minutes.  All that is required of you is to stay still and breathe.  Relax your body and calm your mind.  Be in your body.  Notice what muscles are tight, which ones are warm.  Then breathe some more.  By doing that often enough, your body learns what it feels like to be safe and sound, you become grounded and (potentially) serene.  Your stresses begin to melt away, and your body slowly gains strength and confidence in its ability to protect you.  You learn how to live in the moment, and to find joy in simply being.  That’s how it helps you heal.

Yin Yoga HAS had a transformative influence over my healing.

BUT, how was it going to help me if I was never really giving it a proper chance?

For me, it was when I stopped “feeding the dragon” as it were that I started to see benefits.  In this instance, my inner dragons were those inner voices that told me I had to “do good” to “get good”, even do it perfectly or not at all.  The dragons’ voices told me I wasn’t good at physical activities, that I was fat and frumpy and useless, that I was being selfish for spending time on myself when there were chores that needed to be done that would benefit the family. 

When I finally decided to “give it a go” and “just stretch” and “do the best you can”, things got better… they got better when I stopped thinking the only options were excel or give up… they got better when I learnt to “swerve”… and kept shuffling, shuffling…

Yin Yoga, Tai Chi, Qigong, walking every morning, dancing around my kitchen when no one is around – several different forms of mindful movement – have all helped me on my healing journey. 

My neurologist was absolutely right in recommending these mindful movement activities to me, and I can’t recommend them enough for YOU!

Remember – if you feel like you’ve “tried everything” – it might be true – but go back and double check whether you were also “feeding the dragon” of negative thoughts at the same time… perhaps the dragon might be holding you back from healing. Ask it to shush, and then have another try.

Hope this helps!

Take care taking care, Linda x

[PS – the videos that worked for me, are all collected in one place over on YouTube: here.

PPS – the blog post I did a while back, about “throwing out the trash talk” gives some extra advice on how to reverse the negative narratives in your head and heart.

PPS – Disclaimer – Please remember, I’m not a doctor – this post relates to my own personal experiences of living with migraine and should NOT replace medical advice.  Please be sure to speak to your healthcare team before making any changes to your current lifestyle or treatment plans.]