When my eldest daughter was about 10 years old, I remember her teacher saying, “the best advice I was ever given as a parent, is the same advice I give to all the parents of my students: let kids sit in their discomfort longer.”
What she meant was; when a child tells you that they are hungry, bored, or lonely, it will always be tempting to help them ‘fix’ their problem straight away. Because you love them. As a result, you might offer up an apple, or suggest they play outside on the trampoline, or go call Grandma.
They’re all good ideas – but – they’re all YOUR ideas. Worse, you’re accidentally teaching your kids that to experience a negative emotion is a situation that ought to be remedied IMMEDIATELY.
Instead – let them sit in their discomfit longer.
Let THEM figure out how to ease their boredom or loneliness. Let them stay hungry for a while and even as they moan “I’m staaar-ving”, they’ll discover that they’re not actually going to die if they don’t eat for another hour.
This too shall pass.
Or it doesn’t – then they’ll have to apply some creativity or logic or negotiating skills to figure out how to get themselves out of the trouble they’re in.
There’s no guarantee that your kids will grow up to be resilient and independent problem solvers, but their chances increase if they practice, practice, practice. If you keep rushing in to solve all their problems for them, being what Australian’s call a “helicopter parent” (hovering, hovering), then they don’t get to flex their resilience-muscles, and they might become permanently reliant on you to get them out of every jamb they get into… for-ev-er….
But what does parenting advice have to do with a chronic pain blog?
Well, the same advice to “sit in your discomfort longer” MIGHT be good advice for you too.
Obviously, not all pain was created equal, and just as some kids need more help than others, we’re all going to experience discomfort differently. You might, however, want to consider how quickly you rush to remedy your own troubles. If you get a twinge of pain, do you try to deep breathe it away, or just rush to medicate? If your tummy rumbles, do you immediately eat, or do you have a glass of water and wait until your normal lunchtime? If your daily walks around the block start to feel “boor-ring” do you head home and ditch the routine, or do you wait until tomorrow to change paths? What do you do if your Yin Yoga or counselling sessions are making your body or mind uncomfortable; keep going or turn away from the difficulty and binge-watch TV while eating a tub of ice-cream?
There’s no right or wrong answer. I can’t tell you whether you should or shouldn’t tend to the needs of your kids now or later, or whether the discomfort that you’re feeling warrants a change in habits. I CAN suggest however, that you tune into those moments of discomfort and intuitively decide what to do about it… or not.
Moreover, you can also think about your relationship with your doctors. Are you doing what I used to do, which was wait for each doctor’s appointment assuming they would solve your discomfort? Wait, sometimes for weeks, doing nothing other than hoping they would offer up a new solution to help you heal. OR are you trying to help yourself get out of your predicament as best you can? Are you researching your condition, so that YOU can try to rescue yourself? Speaking from personal experience, becoming your own “primary healthcare provider” sounds counter-intuitive, (and scary), but it can make all the difference to your you-nique situation and can ultimately be very empowering.
And fair warning – in the same way that I was surprised by how judgmental other people were of my parenting style (see my post about serving my kids “breakfast for dinner”), the same may be true for your healthcare decisions. I know when I’ve pushed myself too far, I have to go to bed to rest, no matter what the time of day is. To an outsider I might look lazy or self-indulgent, but I know that my discomfort levels are putting me at risk of getting sick with a bad migraine.
Which brings me to my next point. Be careful with the strategy of being uncomfortable. Plenty of people can skip a meal (fasting seems to be all the rage on social media these days), but I know that skipping meals is a definite no-no for me as low blood sugar is a migraine-trigger. The reality is, I’ll sit in my discomfort sometimes, for some things, but not always, or for everything.
The teacher’s advice is good – but like all (un)solicited advice, YOU have to learn when to take it or leave it.
Take care taking care, Linda x
[PS: The world is pretty intense at the moment – if this blog post finds you in an equally messed-up moment, then please know that my advice to “be OK with being uncomfortable” is not intended to be dismissive in any way of what you are going through – I hope that you’re OK.
PPS: Disclaimer – for anyone who is new to the blog, know that I am not a doctor; I am not offering medical advice. Please be sure to talk to your healthcare team to obtain appropriate advice for your situation.]
The Mindful Migraine 
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