Today’s blog post is something of a thought experiment. It’s about things that have been floating around in my mind for a while, but this is the first time I’ve tried to articulate the ideas. So, think of it as a ‘first draft’ and apologies in advance if it doesn’t resolve itself completely.
One of my blogging friends, Silver Apple Queen, left a comment on my post about “generosity rather than gratitude“, which went something along the lines of this – gratitude is complex; both a beggar and the rich man giving him money can be grateful in the moment – the beggar for the gift, the rich man that he is not in the beggar’s shoes…
It got me thinking – gratitude is good, generosity too… but in this instance, positive emotions alone don’t seem enough… there ought to be ‘something’ more… the situation, not the people, ought to change for the better.
About three months ago (!!), I wrote a post about Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs which is often represented diagrammatically as a pyramid. I spoke of how humans tend to start by addressing their physical needs for survival (food and shelter), then work their way up the pyramid, satisfying emotional and intellectual needs (good friends and enjoyable employment), eventually arriving at self-actualization (being the best version of yourself you can be).
Next, I spoke about how chronic pain healthcare follows a similar path. When we have a migraine, we have to seek a quiet dark place to lie down (basic survival). Then, when the pain passes, we might educate ourselves about our triggers or medication options. One day, we might become content that we are doing as much as we can to be as well as we can. Job well done!
More recently, I wrote about a teacher’s advice to “sit in your discomfort longer”. The suggestion was that we should get used to being uncomfortable, rather than rushing to immediately help ourselves (or our kids) to avoid negative sensations. In hindsight, it might have been a way of saying we ought to slow down our race up Maslow’s pyramid steps. Enjoy the meal, be grateful for your employment… and if it’s not “perfect”, hang out a bit longer before you feel the need to move, change, or chase continual improvements down (or up) yet another a new path… sometimes the grass isn’t always greener.
I acknowledge that sitting in discomfort TOO LONG can’t be a good thing and might even be dangerous. But equally, the constant rush for change is probably a contributing factor to the relentless sense of overwhelm we feel. Perhaps our notion of “discomfort” has changed too, and the bar has dropped lower than the generations who came before us. Maybe “keeping up with the Jonses” has made us increasingly intolerant of staying still too long without visibly advancing. Maybe we’re becoming “hungry” in more and more ways, and it keeps pushing us back (in our mind’s eye) to the bottom of the pyramid.
I’m not sure exactly, but what I have been thinking, is that both blogposts potentially ended the subject too soon.
If I imagine another pyramid, or perhaps a squat ziggurat, then at the bottom is a level titled “accept your situation” – it is what it is, sorry. One step up would be “have other people solve our problems”. You might one day acquire more motivation, and you would reach the level of “solve the problem yourself”. At the very top of my little four-layer cake would be “solve the problem for others”.
This ‘solving problems for others’ would not be in the way that makes us “helicopter parents” (hovering, hovering). Moving someone out of their discomfort is helping them, but not really solving the underlying problem. It’s handing money to a beggar then walking away. Similarly, I suspect the advice “cheer up” has helped zero depressed people, just as “drink more water” or “have you tried Yoga?” makes negligible difference to someone with chronic migraine. The trick is to find a way, if possible, to change the context that got them into their muddle in the first place.
In a sense, the climb up the pyramid moves you from dependent > independent > influential.
Or from disempowered > empowered > empowering.
Or personal > interpersonal > communal.
Or grateful > generous > impactful.
The step after self-actualization, therefore, would be something bigger, beyond ourselves, something even more generous than generous… somehow.
In terms of healthcare, I often refer to myself as being a “healthcare loser” who became a “healthcare learner”… who is thrilled to imagine themselves slightly past halfway up the ziggurat…
Two years ago, I stayed in bed day after day, month after month, hoping for a cure. My local GP told me there were no new drugs on the market, and I would have to “learn to live with the pain” (leaving me miserable on the ‘do nothing’ level). While I waited to see another doctor, I was also waiting for them to prescribe me some new miracle cure for my chronic migraine (i.e. solve the problem for me). The neurologist, on the other hand, told me that I should try to change my lifestyle and mindset – try to heal myself. Now here I am, over a year later, still unwell, but not tragically or terribly, blogging about what works and what doesn’t, trying to help myself and others move the needle on the pain. I’m not at the top of the pyramid, there’s no woo-hooing at the pinnacle (yet). That’s probably more the domain of the scientists who are searching for a cure as we speak, or people like Ellen who launched Studio Migraine. But… at three-quarters of the way up, I’m incredibly happy about the progress that I have made in less than 12 months.
Draft post that it is, here’s hoping it helps you pull yourself up another rung regardless. If you’re still on one of the bottom two rungs of the ziggurat, waiting, and hoping, and praying, for someone to hand you a solution to make your pain go away while you lie in the dark, know that I see you. I was you… for a long, long time. I’ve got all my fingers and toes crossed for you, and believe me when I say that I am sending lots of good vibes your way.
But if you can, see if you can climb up a step and join me on the save-yourself step. It’s not easy, but it’s worth the effort.
Or, as Silver Apple Queen says: “Live in the solution, not the problem.”
Wherever you are on your journey, take care taking care, Linda xox
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