I often wonder why my occasional migraines switched over into a chronic migraine condition about three years ago. To try and understand what might have been the cause, I tried to remember what was happening in my life at about the time of the change. I realized that five significant things took place 1-2 years before the ‘chronification’ of the pain started.
+ I made the decision to start my PhD and was very excited about the increased mental stimulation that I was anticipating.
+ in order to access the required 20 hours a week which I was required to commit to my ‘part-time’ university enrolment, I realized I was going to have to cutback on paid work hours, and the family agreed to me freeing up this time (and taking the corresponding financial hit).
+ within months of starting my studies, COVID19 became a problem in Australia, and our government decided to put us into ‘lockdown’ which required compulsory ‘isolation’. At risk of being fined, we needed to stay home unless absolutely necessary (this included homeschooling for my two daughters, and me now studying remotely and completely independently).
+ my two teenage daughters were teenagers, and as per normal growth, they were becoming increasingly independent, capable of organizing their own events, travelling between those events, and making many of their own decisions when it came to what they wanted to do with their time and energy, and indeed, their future.
+ whilst I was not totally aware of it at the time, I recognize in hindsight that I had moved into perimenopause which meant that my hormones were acting erratically, increasing issues such as insomnia and mood swings.
If I was to summarize these five things, I would say that the first 2 were deliberate choices, whilst the last three were not (even if two of them could have been predicted as inevitable at some stage). I am a very risk adverse person. It’s not that I can’t, or won’t change, it’s just that I like a lot of notice. I prefer to remain ‘in control’ of my destiny as much as possible.
The problem was, thinking about it now, the convergence of all 5 things happening at about the same time meant there was a ‘perfect storm’ of multiple changes happening all at once, and largely beyond my control.
Whilst I was excited about the mental freedom I had signed up for, and accepting of the financial implications that entailed, I was not prepared to also undergo the emotional, social, and physical changes that were also taking place.
The negative weight of the ‘beyond-my-control’ changes also outweighed the positive ‘my-choice’ changes that had initially lifted my spirits and made me so excited about my future.
Worse, the ‘upsides’ being submerged by the ‘downsides’ I suspect, created extremely negative narrative implications. One problem was that I had built my life around a personality that was something of a control-freak. Now, I had to acknowledge that I had little or no ultimate control over myself, perhaps even little agency over my own life. I wasn’t the ‘capable, independent and in control’ person I thought I was.
Moreover, when I had signed-up to study and take those 20 hours a week (for anywhere between 4 to 8 years), I had to overcome a large amount of guilt about being ‘selfish’. I was putting myself first, when I had always lived a life in which I felt obliged to look after others. Perhaps its an oldest-daughter thing, or some message I absorbed in my childhood. Perhaps its just a part of who I am. Regardless, I believed that it was my ‘duty’ to put others before myself, and that doing something ‘for me’ was not dutiful.
As the migraines began to increase in regularity, I remember worrying that it was a result of not being strong enough to balance my life-roles. Self-sabotage and imposter-syndrome were standard occurrences that sat in the background of my studies. Perhaps on an even deeper level I subconsciously began to believe that the pain was punishment for my selfishness. I had failed to control my life, and now I was failing to control my health. I definitely began to buy into the fearful story that I would never heal… perhaps did not deserve to heal.
Not long ago I heard someone say in passing, that the difference between pain and chronic pain is fear.
Migraine pain had long been a part of my life, but I think now that it was the negative emotions and stories that I was telling myself at that time that made the pain so much worse, so much more regular… until it became somewhat hardwired into my pain-brain, and the pain became perpetual.
When I started my healing journey, a big part of what I changed was my mindset. Through counselling, meditation, and regulating my vagus nerve system, I began to reduce my fear, feel safer in my body and my life, and come to terms with my circumstances. I started to be curious about my condition, not afraid of it, and gradually dropped the idea that the pain would never end.
By eliminating (or at least reducing) fear, the chronic pain began to subside back into occasional pain… and slowly even that pain has reduced.
To help you on your own healing journey, see if you can identify what some of your BIG ‘triggers’ might be, not the things like dehydration or weather changes, but the deep-down narratives you might be harboring that are holding you in a place of pain. What fears do you have? See if you can reverse the stories you tell yourself, remind yourself that you don’t need to be afraid anymore, that you CAN heal, and tell yourself – and believe – that perpetual pain is not your destiny.
Take care and keep healing by reducing your fear, Linda x
The Mindful Migraine 
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