This isn’t intended to be a trigger-warning kind of post – my definition of “bad behavior” is not going to be where your mind might be going. I’m just going to talk about a personal experience that left me emotionally winded, nothing more…
When I was at my lowest point in terms of health and wellbeing, I made an appointment to see a doctor at the local medical center. The way that it works is that you sit in a giant waiting room and see the “first available” doctor. It’s a bit like going to the deli counter in the supermarket, or the Road and Traffic office when you go to get your car rego renewed – you take a number and wait. Of course, at the doctors you don’t get a paper number, it’s all happening invisibly behind the scenes (and to be honest, I think it’s glitchy, because I swear people who arrive later than me go in ahead of me).
Anyway – the point is, it’s meant to speed things up for you, but means that it’s a lottery which doctor you will see.
The doctor that I was assigned, was a lovely lady who I have met before. This time, however, she was not in a great mood. She seemed tired, overwhelmed and in a rush.
I told her that my migraines were getting worse. They were essentially happening every day and were affecting me badly. I told her that as a result of the constant pain I could no longer work, drive, socialize, and even parenting was becoming harder.
She nodded her head.
I told her that I was fearful that the pain was affecting every part of my life, even affecting my personality, and making me sad and anxious all the time.
She nodded her head.
I begged her for some new treatment to take away the pain, a new strategy we hadn’t tried before. Were there any trials that were being conducted I could join? A dietary change I could make? Something. Anything.
She shook her head.
The bottom line, she replied, is that I was already seeing specialists. I was already taking all available contemporary medications. I was asking her for advice which was outside her personal expertise. I was expecting miracles where there were none. The implication seemed to be that I was being difficult and unreasonable. I needed to learn to live with the pain.
I burst into tears… great big heaving sobs.
She sighed.
After a minute she handed me a box of tissues and said something like “you can cry for one more minute but then I’m going to have to ask you to pull yourself together – I have other patients to see.”
So, I pulled myself together, thanked her for her time, and left her office.
When I got home, I climbed into bed, rolled myself into a ball and cried and cried and cried until I realized that it was just making my migraine worse.
Luckily for me, it was only a short time later that I went to see my neurologist and he set me on the path of mindfulness and holistic healing that I find myself on to this day as I try to “(re)find the I in Linda“.
The point is… that doctor did me a massive disservice.
I don’t doubt she was tired and busy and out of her depth – BUT – even on the most basic human level she could have been more empathetic. From a professional point of view, she could have recognized my obvious emotional distress and offered me numbers to call… outsource it, sure, but not leave me with literally nothing to hold onto.
When I look back on that appointment, I visualize myself as a drowning person, waving for assistance… When I imagine the doctor, she doesn’t appear like a Life Saver on the beach ready to run into the water to save me, or even throw me a life-saving-device… instead I see someone on the shore holding a box of tissues, throwing the papers into the wind and water… I can almost imagine myself holding onto the useless, soggy papers as I sink.
Her health ‘care’ was essentially useless.
That said – I’m going to say something that might seem a bit strange: I accept some responsibility for the appointment being a waste of time.
I went into that appointment knowing nothing about my illness, alternative medications, the trials that I was begging for… nothing. I assumed she would have all the answers for me – I had outsourced my own healing to a stranger.
Also, being so desperate, I was one of those drowning people they warn you about in swim-school, I was ready to cling onto anything that happened past… even at the risk of pulling others under… my need to be saved was so strong it was almost irrational.
From that day onwards I reminded myself that it was on me to do more, to know more, so that I could ask questions. I wasn’t yet shifted from a “healthcare loser” to a “healthcare learner” but I was close, my toes were across the line, my heart was willing for the change, my mind just hadn’t quite caught up.
I know you’re tired. I know being sick sux. I know that you want a magic tablet or the easy answer. I know, but… it doesn’t always work that way.
Sometimes, sure, they can run a blood test and find you’re low in iron and hand you a supplement, but most of the time, it’s more complicated than that, and it’s going to require something from you.
You’re going to have to save yourself and be your own primary health care provider.
Next time you’re due to go to see your doctor, go prepared. Think about what you want to ask. Take a printout of your trigger-tracker that shows your recent migraine attacks. Read some websites about the latest medication options to see if you might be eligible. Have a list of questions so you LOOK prepared.
There’s no guarantees it will help – doctors are humans – there are good ones and not so great ones.
But if you can be the best patient possible, it might just help make the appointment more rewarding.
Take care taking care, Linda xx
The Mindful Migraine 
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