When my neurologist told me that “more medicine doesn’t equal less pain”, I didn’t want to listen. When he told me that to heal, I needed to adjust my lifestyle and mindset, I became as prickly as a cactus. When he suggested that I should start doing meditation, yoga and cardio, I waited until I got back to the car and then I screamed… literally.
I – was – furious.
Since then, I’ve calmed down… and taken his advice. And low and behold, I’ve started to get better. I’m not cured of my migraine, but the attacks are fewer and less painful. I am definitely less distressed by them and my life is less impacted.
I often wonder what changed my mind.
Without a doubt I got sick and tired of being sick and tired… but why did I finally decide to do something about it?
When I saw the book “How to change minds: The art of influence without manipulation” on the university bookshelf, I wondered if I could reverse engineer why I changed my mind, to maybe help others get motivated to heal themselves. The book is by Rob Jolles, and he describes himself as an international record-setting salesperson and trainer, and uses the tag line “persuade, don’t push” – so straight away you can see where the book is going to go.
The book starts by reminding you that it’s not bad to sell people things (even hinting that it’s ok if it’s more than they need – so long as you’re ethical about it)… then he talks about his selling history, but I’m not interested in this side of things, so I raced through to page 24 where he starts to explain why people DON’T change.
He notes that people are not motivated to fix small problems, only BIG ones. And equally important, their fear of change is often greater than their pain in the present.
Often people have to wait for the “straw that broke the camel’s back” to finally DO something… their car making strange noises is not enough motivation to go to the mechanic or buy a new car, the engine has to completely fail before they will upgrade to something new. People complain about a job they hate, but don’t move because it seems like a lot of effort, and then one day the company starts firing people, and they can’t believe they’ve been sacked from a place they loathed…
We sulk, deny, justify… but don’t change until we absolutely must.
Minor mishaps are not enough to motivate change – there needs to be a moment of truth, even an emotional crisis, large enough for people to change.
[For me, I think I realized that if I didn’t start healing, I would never return to the land of the living… I was so sick, that I wasn’t living a real life… the neurologist’s words were my last straw… there were no new meds coming… it was now or never.]
The book then quickly gets salesy, and you’re reminded that we’re all targets in a salesperson’s crosshairs: without trust there is no influence / listen more than you talk / everyone has a story, find out what’s theirs / don’t tweak their pain points, let them paint the picture… then sell, sell, sell.
There were some cringey moments in the book, such as when he explained how when a boxer draws blood, cutting an opponent above the eye, he doesn’t switch his aim to the other eye, he tries to land another punch on the wound… which he then turns into a seller’s reminder; “if they cry, they buy”. If the problem is real, and they are emotional, then, he asks, am I being mean or merciful to point out the problem? He refers to his approach as empathetic (you’re pointing out their pain and offering to solve it), and says it’s certainly never aggressive (unless you consider that the cut wasn’t there in the first place – so are you really solving a pain, or only a pain that you created?)
If you still haven’t ‘hooked’ a sale by this stage, then he gives you ideas about how to generate a sense of urgency. He refers to it as ‘compassionate influence’ rather than ‘passionate manipulation’. HE refers to it that way. I couldn’t shake the feeling that buyers were suckers and salesmen were heroes.
He even scripts how you might talk people into buying by telling them they’re wrong: I know how you feel / I felt that too / but I also found…
[Which… sounds familiar – I do say this sort of thing a fair bit – I’m not trying to sell you anything, but I AM trying to motivate you to prioritize self-care and mindfulness… so I guess I should be honest enough to say that maybe I’m also trying to be a ‘compassionate influencer’!?!]
The cover picture of a cat and mouse and cheese was one of the reasons I picked up Rob’s book… the author photo on the back, on the other hand, with a smile that looks a bit smug, gave me what my kids would call “big ick”… sorry Rob… you keep being you – what would I know…
There were definitely positives that I took away from the book.
Language plays a roll. When you’re speaking of your illness-situation, don’t use words like ‘problem, difficulty, obstacle, limitation’ or ‘trouble’ – say instead ‘challenge.’
If we turn this approach into an affirmation, you wouldn’t say to yourself “my migraines cause me a lot of trouble and are a real barrier to a rewarding life” – instead – you would tell yourself “migraine can be an issue, it does make life challenging… but I like a challenge!”
There was one thing he said that I thought was particularly applicable to healing: “we can wait for a problem to devastate someone, or we can have a conversation about it” (p67).
As such, I’ll leave today’s post there, but I am going to try to persuade you of something on your healing journey…
If your pain seems to be getting worse – DON’T wait to see what happens, don’t fall victim to inertia or the tragedy of procrastination, stalling and doing nothing, or waiting until it is a BIG problem – act now, go see your doctor and ask for help before the pain escalates.
My neurologist telling me to make changes to my mindset WAS empathetic not aggressive, an attempt at influencing me not manipulating me, HIS intentions were pure, and he wasn’t selling me anything other than hope… at the end of the day, he just knew what he was talking about.
Take care taking care of yourself, and each other (authentically, empathetically, influentially), Linda xx
The Mindful Migraine 
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