The Mindful Migraine

The other day I woke up after 8 hours of sleep and said to my husband; “I’m STILL tired!” And I don’t mean I spent 8 hours in bed tossing and turning and staring at the ceiling – it was 8 hours of deep sleep. I’m almost always so exhausted at the end of the day that when I lie down in bed, I fall instantly into a deep sleep, sometimes never waking up once until the alarm goes off in the morning (and by alarm – I usually mean our dogs scratching at the back door to be let in once the sun rises just above the horizon).

“That’s it”, I thought to myself after everyone had left the house later that morning; “I need to find out why I’m tired all the time”. So, I checked my university email and to do list, then set aside an hour or two to do some research into my perpetual sense of exhaustion.

“But first”, I thought, “I’ll check my Instagram page.”

After scrolling through a whole stack of interesting, but (let’s be honest) unimportant posts, I came across an ad for a free conference series related to resetting your life at a place called Conscious Life.

After signing up, I was offered access to 5 free videos, one of which (thank you universe for providing) was about the 7 types of rest we need according to Dr Saundra Dalton-Smith (her website is here) and you can listen to her TED talk (here) if the conference links don’t stay active.

The free video that I received, included an interview between Dr Dalton-Smith and Alex Howard (founder of several wellness platforms (here))

Although this might be a VERY long blogpost, I think that what I heard is pretty important, so buckle-up, because at the risk of exhausting your reading attention, I’m going to summarize the 40 minute interview as best I can so we can all learn a little bit more about how to be more rested (because sleep ‘aint all it!)

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So many of my patients say “I’m tired” – but that is so non-specific; it is hard to know what is really fatigued about you – which part of you is fatigued? Rest and restoration might be happening, but not in the area with the greatest rest-deficit. 

“Enough sleep” is not the same thing as “enough rest”.

She says there are (at least) 7 ways that you need rest and restoration: physical, mental, spiritual, emotional, social, sensory and creative.  To complicate things slightly more, physical rest also has two parts; a passive component (napping and sleep) and an active component (helping your muscles / circulation recover and so on).  We often talk about sleep, but we’re missing all the other aspects of resting. 

Sometimes, the more tired we get, the worse we sleep.  (Think of small children that get “over-tired” and then find it impossible to actually fall asleep).

A sign that you are in rest-deficit is when you lay down to sleep, but your to do list and rerunning earlier conversations all get in the way – your mind is racing and no matter how exhausted you are, your busy brain keeps you awake all night.

That’s why you need to do restorative activities to get your whole self to rest.

It’s important to remember that so much of what happens at night when we rest is a manifestation of the routines and habits of the day before.  Rest is something we tend to carve out some time for on weekends or holidays away, but we really need to do restorative practices integrated throughout the day.  We should not be waiting until we are burnout to rest – we should be preventing burnout before it occurs.

A lack of rest not only leaves you tired, it starts to affect our personalities, our choices, and then the more likely we are to make more poor choices, which gather momentum.

So much of what we do to rest, is NOT rest – it is ESACPISM.

We don’t really understand or address what is depleted; we just do something we think is restful, such as binge-watching TV on the couch, but this might not be what we need.  We might need social rest, or creative-restoration, and so on.

We should always be trying to fill the buckets up that we have depleted.  If you have emptied your social bucket [with too much or too little socializing]; then you need to fill that bucket back up.

Physical rest is both passive and active, as noted above. Mental rest specifically means clearing your headspace so you can gain clarity and focus. Spiritual rest is different for everyone, but we all want to believe that our life has purpose and we’re connected to something bigger than ourselves.  Social rest is about evaluating relationships where we receive as much as we give to others.  Emotional rest includes being authentic and open about our real experiences, and not always putting our needs last. Sensory rest relates to what sounds and lights you allow into your space… and how many notifications bing your phone every hour.  Creative rest should be used to allow you to be inspired; it’s not just about making art, but listening to music, or solving puzzles; activities that use creative energy in a positive way.

Nature and water bodies are often very powerful ways of inducing rest, so is dancing, and watching others dance.  They have all had a place in our lives for a long time, and for good reason.

But it’s also important to remember that we’re all different [and we can feel different on different days] – some of us love to put music on in the background to create an ambient soothing environment, whilst others need to turn that music completely off because it triggers a sense of sensory overload.

That’s why you need to be very intentionally individual.  Even those nearest and dearest to us can have very different needs; even opposite.  Sometimes a husband and wife need different types of rest, and what helps one person can be exhausting for the person.

Expending energy in one way, doesn’t mean that the rest deficit will be forever.  You have fluctuations in which types of rest you need.  As you change, and your circumstances change, so will the type of rest you’re getting, and the types of rest you’re missing out on.

[The parent of a newborn is tired in a way that is different to the parent of a teenager, for example, whilst working long hours is tiring for different reasons to those which we might experience when we’re unemployed.]

You need to listen to your body on several levels and be attuned to which type of rest you require.

The body tries to help us in so many ways – telling us what doesn’t feel right – we need to listen and ask; why don’t I feel ok today? Why am I still tired after a big night of sleep? Ask yourself in the morning; am I energised right now? If not, why not? What needs did you omit yesterday? Notice it and then, be intentional to incorporate what you need into the day ahead.

Ask yourself “what was really draining?” and then, rather than just complain about it, challenge yourself to try to fix it.  Remember that your family and friends love you, but it is not their job to figure out what energy aspects are missing and how to fill them back in.

Your current rest deficit becomes your clue for how to move forward.

Some types of deficit are more obvious than others.  [If you overdo it physically, for example, your muscles hurt; so there’s an obvious cause and effect].  If sensory-overload is your issue, then binge-watching TV (even though it sounds restful) is going to make things worse, not better.  It is very easy to slip into performing restful activities that are NOT serving us correctly, and may even be hurting us.  Sensory rest deficit, for example, creates a sense of agitation, you become high-strung, and you’re not able to enjoy sensory-rich experiences (such as intimacy with your partner, or lots of hugs from your small children – it just feels “too much” at that moment).  You need to try to turn down the volume on the negative sensations, so there is room for the positive, rather than a blanket pushing away of all sensations.  Hugs should be nourishing, but sometimes we feel the need to push everyone away, because we’ve reached some sort of limit.

People often just need 20-30 minutes of downtime on their own to reclaim their body and reconnect with themselves, away from partners and children, so they can reconnect with themselves, and thus be able to rest and relax in that specific way.

It’s not that you don’t have time to rest, it’s that you don’t know how to rest properly with the time you have. 

Few of us have the luxury of taking a month off to go on holiday, but we can learn small ways to restore ourselves along the way, in our day to day lives.

For introverts, being around people all day can mean that you want to retreat alone.  When a partner is the reverse and stuck at home, they want to be more extrovert to reconnect.  You need to recognize you need different types and amounts of stimuli, and try to just be in the moment for the other person if possible.  We need to recognize the needs for ourselves, but also for our partners. Some relationships are “pulling” energy from us, but they can also put back social energy.  Children, for example, can be very draining, they draw down on your reserves, but they are also rewarding.  When you work with customers, you know that it is your job to serve them, but when you serve everyone at home, it can be exhausting and frustrating if there is nothing given back in return.

That’s why it is so important to spend time with people who don’t need anything from you – people who you just enjoy spending time with and who make you happy.

Both introverts and extroverts need other people, we all NEED connection, just where and when, and how much is different.

We all need to practice having enough self-awareness to see what we need, and enough courage to set the boundaries to protect those needs.  The boundaries are key – once you start intentionally putting some up, it starts to become second nature; for you to be the best you, for you and your family, and enjoy your life and have energy and passion, you can’t allow people to step all over your boundaries all the time.

We can stay drained for ever – that’s easy – what’s harder, but more important is to recognize that we need to be in silence or solitude for a while. When you do that – you’re not taking something away from the family and friends, you’re just trying to be a better, healthier, happier, you.

If you don’t, you can accidentally start to be very resentful towards the people you perceive to have taken your energy from you.  Instead of being frustrated with them – take some ownership for what is and isn’t working and start to make changes.

Remember – what rest looks like for you is not the same for others – so don’t judge their decisions on what works for them. 

Your idea of resting might be reading a book, but for others it is to go for a run around the block – they need something different to you.  Chopping wood can be incredibly mindful to one person, whilst the other person thinks mindfulness is lying on the floor meditating or doing yoga, [for others, they need to make a piece of art, party with friends, or lie curled up in bed and listen to music…]

We get more and more in our head these days, and then try to think our way out of that place, and then get tired from thinking more, and more… so being in an environment that takes the thinking away helps.  Try being in a space that is awe-inspiring.  You don’t have to wait to go on vacation, or make your way across country to be beside a body of water.  You can bring nature inside to you, put up an image of a lake, or decorate with watery colors; the brain response is the same.  

[Go to an art gallery, listen to a free concert, attend a luncheon with friends in a new location, go treasure hunting at the park, try bed-rotting, create a healing mandala – experiment with ways that reenergize you in a way that “feeds” your tired and “hungry” soul…. Journal it if you need to – “what is missing in my life – why might I be tired – which parts of me feel depleted – my mind, body, soul, heart?”]

Immerse yourself in good things and seed creative rest in gentle ways.

Automating resting is so powerful if possible; take a stretch break every hour, set your lights to turn down at a certain time, have flowers on your counter, and so on.  Especially concentrate on the areas you are most challenged with. If we are mentally overstimulated we tend to stay in that groove, so implementing automatic ways of resting is a great idea. 

Other ways to break out of repetitive patterns is to have a notepad nearby so you can write down and mind-dump whatever is stuck in your head, including at nighttime. As you write it down, your brain gets to release it; it no longer has to be responsible to hold onto that information. If you jot it down, you’re no longer ruminating over it. To do lists are the same; they allow your brain to rest and stop trying to hold onto information.

If you spend a lot of time looking after others, then set aside time to be intentionally social / alone.  But also make the time you spend with others meaningful.  Sit down for 5 minutes to have a face-to-face conversation with your partner; look into each other’s eyes and listen to their answer.  Get some social and emotional connection and ask how they feel about how the day went.  We rarely get to notice what we FELT about the day and thus, miss the opportunity to leave potential trauma behind. Vulnerability can create real connection.  Couples spend very little time communicating eye-to-eye unless they are fighting. Otherwise, they are side by side, in the car, the table, the couch in front of the tv.

As we are more rested in all aspects of our life, it begins to impact and improve all the aspects of our life; physically, emotionally, creatively…

We tend to normalize feeling not great. We’re so used to being exhausted, it is so familiar to us, that we assume it is standard.  We need to go beyond that to discover what great things can be achieved if we work to improve this. We are chronically in a rest-deficit because we just don’t know what’s happening or why. 

“The world is tired and burnt out is just the way it is” does NOT have to be true.  We CAN stay energized, passionate, and in a place of joy where we are pouring from a full cup – but we have to do the work.

Body builders don’t get big and strong overnight (they have to work at it). The same is true for being restful – challenge yourself to feel good – are you excited about your life, even if you have problems? Life is filled with issues, that’s life – but try to approach the world with energy – that’s the goal.  Run on all your cylinders!

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Here’s a couple of the sites that she authors and recommends in her conclusion (including a quiz to determine your potential rest deficits):

Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith Rest Quiz – Rest Quiz

Dr. Dalton-Smith – I Choose My Best Life – Live Fully, Love Boldly, Rest Intentionally

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Hope that was enlightening, and that it sheds a little light on why we can sleep all night and still feel tired the next day.

Take care taking care my friends, restfully,

Linda xx

PS – I took her rest quiz (it takes less than 10 minutes but requires you to submit an email address to get the results). Below are my results as a sneak peek into my tired life (reordered low>high to help me understand what’s what (the lower the better in terms of feeling adequately rested)):

• Spiritual Rest Score: 20
• Creative Rest Score: 26
• Mental Rest Score: 27
• Physical Rest Score: 31
• Social Rest Score: 38
• Emotional Rest Score: 38
• Sensory Rest Score: 40

• If you score 0-15: You are getting adequate rest in this area
• If you score 16-25: You are experiencing rest in this area but would thrive with more.
• If you score 26-35: You are feeling the effects of your lack of rest and need a change.
• If you score >35: Your life is negatively affected by your lack of rest in this area.

In other words; I’m tired – I didn’t score “adequate” for any category, and for 3 of the 7 categories (emotional, social and sensory) my lack of rest might be negatively affecting my life.

What’s really interesting, is that the explanation for improving sensory rest the quiz results gave involves: “The opportunity to downgrade the endless onslaught of sensory input received from electronics, fragrances, and background noise.” I found that very illuminating, as I think that my migraines are often the result of sensory overload; too much noise, light, heat… but also, that not only are they often the triggers, but sensory-deprivation is often the cure; lying alone in a dark quiet space until the pain passes. So, in one way, it totally makes sense I need to reduce exhausting stimulation, but in another, all those hours spent trying to heal my migraine with sensory-deprivation don’t count as “rest”. No one I know spends as much time away from sunlight, electronics, fragrances, background noise, and even hugs and cuddles as me… hmmmm… I’ll have to think a bit more on how I can minimize sensory input even further…?! [Maybe not checking my Instagram page (and getting sucked into its digital vortex of noise and light) before I start researching rest might be a good start?!]

PPS – last minute, late revelation: pain is sensory – so chronic pain is sensory overload – so it is probably the pain, not the light and sounds, that are exhausting me… so I need to get rid of the pain to be rested – and rest to get rid of the pain… hmm…