The Mindful Migraine

Today’s title is shamelessly taken from the last line of John Malone’s (lovely, well worth a read) poem: The Last Lighthouse.

I’ve mentioned before that there are moments in blog-land when words jump out at me… and attach themselves like beautiful burs on my fluffy-mental-sock… and then they linger there.

“Scar howl” was one such phrase, “reweave” yourself is another, and the song lyrics that referred to being “tied to the mast” were yet another.

Mr Malone’s “be someone’s lighthouse” is the latest of wonder-words for me.

The three words suggest: stability and empathy, conviction and kindness, safety and security… all the good things that we want to be surrounded by…. and (speaking for myself) all the qualities we would like to be associated with ourselves!

They are the warm hug from a loved one or the extended hand of a stranger right when we need it… and the joy that comes from knowing that you yourself are someone’s ‘rock’ they can lean on in times of trouble.

As it turns out – the idea is not totally new – in fact, therapists have a phrase: “lighthouse people”.

In this wonderfully titled post: Lighthouse People: Finding Your Beacons in the Chaos, Connect Counselling Centre writes:

“Ever feel like life is just one long, confusing boat ride in the middle of a very dark, very stormy ocean? […] Enter: Lighthouse People. // These are the people who, without fail, help you find your way back to solid ground when you feel completely lost. […] they shine just enough light for you to see where you’re going, reminding you that, no, you’re not doomed to drift forever, and yes, you will in fact survive this mess.”

How wonderful!

This is not healing that involves patronizing hand-holding, or being led by the nose condescendingly, or being pulled impatiently backwards by your ankles through the bushes towards someone else’s idea of where you need to be.

This is guided healing – done in a gentle way.

Follow the light… your way.

They suggest that the super-power of lighthouse people is their clarity: “They ground you. They remind you of who you are when you forget. And they do it without making you feel like a total disaster (even if you currently are a total disaster).”

My favorite take on it is this: “Here’s the thing about getting lost: You don’t always realize you are” – you convince yourself that going around in circles, or travelling the ‘scenic route’ is OK, until the lighthouse person, casually flicks on the light and illuminates the shipwreck you’re about to become… “And the best part? They don’t judge you for it. […] They just shine their light, help you adjust your course, and let you take it from there.”

In the past I have wondered (and written about (here)) which of the multiple ways I prefer to receive (and give) advice; from cheerleaders, coaches or filter-less-friends… but now I think I have ‘seen the light’ – I’m going to identify the lighthouse people in my life, AND see if I can’t emulate some of their intentional lightness and brightness.

How?

Well, the article suggests you look around – really pay attention. The lighthouse person in your life might be someone you work with, a friend you’ve overlooked, a yoga instructor that is occasionally a little bit blunt… or else a therapist who knows just how to shine their light. Keep looking and know that when you find them – you’ll know.

They suggest you’ll know you know because when it comes to lighthouse people:

1. They don’t try to steer your ship for you.
2. You feel lighter after talking to them.
3. They see you. 
4. They never make you feel like a…

Um… weirdly, the sentence headings keep breaking off at the end – and whilst I was able to guess the top 2, I don’t want to put words into other writers’ mouths…

I’d guess they don’t make you feel like; a fool, a failure, a lazy-good-for-nothing-medical-mystery-flop…

On a brighter note (pun intended) – the article ends with the reassurance that YOU can be a lighthouse person too:

“You don’t have to be a perfectly wise, fully put-together human to shine light for someone else. Sometimes, you’re just standing at your own shore, holding up a flashlight, yelling, ‘I’ve been there! Keep going this way, you’ll make it!’ And honestly? That’s enough. // We don’t need to have all the answers. We just need to show up, remind people of who they are, and let them know they’re not alone in the storm.”

On another website (inkpots.org), a teen-mentor has some other lovely metaphorical extensions of the idea and notes that she often calms her teens down by telling a story:

“Imagine a small village right on the coast. The weather is getting worse and worse. The rain lashes the buildings, the wind whips the sea up – higher and higher. People have shut themselves away, closed curtains, turned on lamps. […] // Out at sea, a small fishing vessel is being tossed around like a piece of card. The captain has to use all the resources at their disposal to bring the ship safely into the harbor. But in that moment, they are alone – and feels that everyone will have forgotten them too. // But through the storm, they glimpse a light. Distant and unsteady at first, but slowly, and persistently, the light calls out to them, sending a steady beam to lead them to the safety of the harbor…”

As the mentor notes, it’s normal to feel tossed around by the storms of life, damaged and unprotected, even when everyone else seems to be safe and sound. She asks her students to look through their life: Who feels like a ‘safe harbor’? Who feels like a stabilizing ‘anchor’? Who might be their lighthouse people – set apart from the hustle and bustle, able to have a clear perspective and take a neutral stance? These are the people who will offer consistent, steady support when (and only if) you need it.

Here’s an image I found online to help you imagine who your lighthouse person might be… or to imagine yourself into a lighthouse role:

[Image source: Karen Salmansohn, behavioral change expert]

If you can’t make out the text (computers are glitchy like that) it says: “I am a lighthouse rather than a lifeboat. I do not rescue, but instead help others to find their way to shore.”

I like it.

And, at the risk of straining your attention too much longer – I want to put one last spin on today’s post:

BE YOUR OWN LIGHTHOUSE

In theory, this is completely the opposite of how this sh!t works – you can’t be on the rough sea, detached and feel like you’re drowning, AND be the guiding light that points the way to shore…

I accept that.

BUT

When you’re in the thick-of-sick, lamenting your sinking lifeboat, there’s no sense of saving nothin’… it’s true… however, there ARE still good days, or hours, in between. When there are, when you aren’t completely washed out and floundering amidst the flotsam and jetsam of salty chronic-pain-debris and teardrops, use some of the ideas here, or elsewhere on this blog (such as “save yourself” or “good foundations“) and build yourself up to BE the lighthouse of your future.

It may seem impossible now – but I know for a fact that I saved myself from drowning under a waterfall of chronic migraine symptoms, and if I can do it, so can you!

There’s nothing more empowering in your healing journey than believing that you CAN heal!!

Take care taking care, shiningly, Linda xx

PS – Disclaimer – please remember that I am not a qualified doctor or therapist – (nor am I offering endorsements of any of the service providers’ pages linked to above) – please be sure to speak to a trained healthcare provider if this post raises concerns for you.