The Mindful Migraine

Woo Hoo! It’s done! At the wise old age of 54, I have officially graduated from my PhD studies to become a Doctor of Philosophy, Architecture. It’s taken me a little over 5 years, part-time, 3 of which I was living with diagnosed chronic migraine. Now that I’m on the ‘other side’ (of my studies and (most of) my migraine pain) I am a mixture of chuffed, relieved and… a little bemused.

Chuffed – because that’s the first word that comes to mind when I take into account how delighted, elated, grateful, and pleased beyond measure I am – I did it – it’s the highest level of education achievable, and now that I’ve earnt the title of ‘Doctor’ no one can take it away!

Relieved – because I no longer have to find 20 hours a week to hit the books, no longer have to submit research papers to journals and jump through academic hoops, and I no longer have to drag my mind out of the fog to concentrate with a laser-like efficiency I don’t always feel.

AND

Bemused – because, if I’m honest, the last 3 years have been some of the worst years of my life. I’m honestly not sure why I didn’t call out ‘stop!’ to my university supervisors several times along the way. In Australia, a part-time student is given a window of 6-8 years to complete their PhD. Given that I completed mine in 5 years, it means that I was almost always on top of, or ahead of, the university’s schedule of requirements. Meanwhile, having a migraine (in some form or another) almost every day non-stop for the last 3 years has been horrendous. Why was I so foolish (stubborn / vain / worried that I was getting old and time was getting away from me / or fearful that if I stopped I might not start again) to the point that I didn’t tell my supervisor, “I think I’m too sick for this at the moment – I’m going to take 6 months or a year off to feel better and then I’ll come back to you.”

I can’t know FOR SURE that the rigors of a PhD caused my migraines to switch from occasional to chronic, but I’m pretty confident it didn’t help. What’s more, it seems too much of a coincidence that the pain started to lessen around about the same time the commitments did…

What’s done is done – there’s no point looking in the rear mirror once you’ve crossed the finish line – UNLESS you can recognize a learning opportunity or teachable moment.

SO

Here’s a tough-love message from me to you – if you’re struggling to do a mountain of things, and the pressure of overload is making you sick – STOP – reassess what the real priorities are, and juggle’n’shuffle as much of the weight off your shoulders as you can – then do whatever you can to move yourself from illness towards wellness… if anything else on your To Do List is not a priority, it can wait.

That said – what’s done is done – so for now, it’s celebration time (with a little raw honesty thrown in to keep it real).

In many ways, all the highs and lows of the last 5 years can be summarized in the following series of photos taken on graduation day: there’s the excited 7am version of “I’m on the train (going places and getting sh!t done)” Linda, as well as the 9am Linda who’s “so close to graduation” super-excited (but also embarrassed to be caught taking a selfie (so didn’t take the time to center the shot properly!)). Then there’s the super-happy Midday version of me with my F-yeah, enthusiastic jazz-hands because I DID IT (and I no longer care who’s looking / judging). But there’s also the 2pm me who had no interest in going out to lunch and just wanted to get home for a good lie down, followed by the 5pm afternoon buzz that comes from congratulatory notes and flowers… followed by an un-photographed mood-slump, light dinner, early night and a deep sleep:

[Image source: me and mine]

If you’re new to the blog (welcome!), know that if you have your own BIG dream that you’re chasing (perhaps while also living with chronic pain): go for it – it’s never too late!

If, however, you’re not sure how you’re going to make it work, know that I’ve written before about what it’s like studying with a migraine. The posts include how you can be both super-capable and slightly-broken all at the same time, there’s also outlines of why I think the added workload (at the same time as COVID lockdowns) might have been a trigger for my illness, as well as some more sideways references to what I was studying along the way – here are 7 posts that you can revisit if you’re interested:

PhD’ing with a migraine

The face of (dis)ability

Pain + Fear = Chronic Pain

Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) for chronic pain

Save enough winkles and you’ll soon have a wonkel

“Unlearn your pain”

Schrödinger’s Cat chilling on Mt Everest

So, with that – it’s time for me to go off and have a well-earned break from study while I consider what the next chapter in my life will be… BUT the blogging will continue – because I enjoy and value your incredible company so much!

Remember – we’re all, always, a mixture of being kick-@$$-cool whilst ALSO feeling like we’re getting our @$$ kicked… that’s real life.

Highs and lows, uphill and downhill, highways and cul-de-sacs, roundabouts and flyovers and all those fabulous scenic routes…

Wherever you’re at in life at the moment, stay the course – one step at a time – slowly, slowly, make your way forward and keep celebrating the inch-stones of your achievements (the milestones will take care of themselves).

Take care taking care all you wonderful people!

Regards,

(Dr) Linda xx

PS – if you’re wondering why the floppy hat for graduation, and not the normal ‘mortar-board’ you usually see at a graduation ceremony, it’s because PhD students are next-level (ha ha… it’s true). PhD graduates generally wear a black velvet hat complete with golden tassels. Some people call it a “tam” (short for Tam O’Shanter), others call it a “Tudor bonnet”. It looks a bit funny (or “cute” as my daughter called it), but it also carries a lot of tradition and prestige, so I’m here for it! Yay me!