The Mindful Migraine

Ok, so today is another edition of “I may be 50+ years old, but I have NEVER heard of that before”. I’ve done several similar posts where I follow my curiosity and explore the new terms I come across, such as ‘eating crow‘, ‘ecotone‘ and ‘allodynia‘… today is “Good Girl Syndrome” (GGS).

What is Good Girl Syndrome?

All the sites that I visited appeared to repeat similar themes, so here’s a quick summary compiled from a variety of sites (each of which provides more details if you want to dive deeper):

HealthShots.com says: “When we think of a ‘good girl’, the thought of a quiet, well-behaved, loyal and obedient girl who does everything to make others happy pops up in mind. […] It might seem to be harmless, but it can affect a woman’s self-esteem and confidence levels over a period of time.”

I think I might be a silent sufferer of GGS: the first-born daughter of three girls, I tend to ALWAYS put the needs of others first, because I care about those people and want them to be happy…. AND because I care about what others will think of me if I don’t put others first!

If you’re not sure whether GGS is something you might have, here’s HappiestHealth.com‘s list of 5 clues:

• People-pleasing: you tend to prioritize the needs of family and friends […] despite feeling overwhelmed, due to fear of disapproval if you decline. You say yes to requests even when it’s inconvenient.
• Perfectionism: you have a deep-seated fear of failure, and your desire to be appreciated by others means you end up setting unrealistic standards for yourself. Unachieved perfectionism can manifest as excessive self-criticism or anxiety and is rooted in the fear of being ‘not good enough’.
• Difficulty with emotions: trying to maintain a ‘nice’ persona means you end up struggling to express negative emotions or voice dissent due to a fear of conflict or rejection.
• Being ‘selfish’: you feel guilty when you do eventually take time off for yourself, and even practicing self-care may provoke thoughts such as ‘I am being selfish.’
• Chronic over-apologizing: you tend to apologize profusely over minor or non-existent instances. The habit can be tied to low self-worth or an internalized belief that your actions are inferior compared to others.

[OK, so I think I might have scored 5 out of 5 for this – it’s really sounding like something I might have to understand more about!]

BrainzMagazine.com suggests the negative side-effects of GGS include:

• Persistent anxiety and overwhelm: the constant need to be agreeable leads to hyper-vigilance / chronic alertness, and perpetual overcommitment reduces opportunities for rest or reflection, which fuels anxiety and exhaustion.
• Depressive feelings and emotional numbness: self-worth tied to external validation means that small setbacks can lead to deep feelings of failure that can then spiral into depression or a sense of emptiness.
• Loss of authentic self: living the ‘good girl’ model for too long can mute your inner voice, and lead to a disconnection to your true self, identity-confusion and low self-esteem.

The good news is, PsychologyToday.com says there are several ways you can start to push back against GGS, or what they refer to as ‘Good Girl Fatigue’:

• Explore your beliefs and values: how have they been influenced by societal expectations and gender stereotypes.
• Ask for what you need or want: communicate your needs, preferences, or desires instead of suppressing them.
• Set boundaries: learn to prioritize your own needs and set clear boundaries to prevent burnout and resentment.
• Challenge perfectionism: redefine success based on personal values rather than external demands. Normalize your imperfections and mistakes.
• Redefine “good”: explore what being ‘good’ means to you and consider the ways good is different to ‘perfect, obedient, pleasing, or agreeable’.
• Prioritize self-care and your goals and interests: challenge people-pleasing tendencies by scheduling time for yourself (self-care practices and fulfilling activities).
• Speak up when you’re mistreated: advocate for yourself. Don’t allow others to take advantage of your kindness.
• Practice self-compassion: cultivate self-compassion by acknowledging the pressures of being a ‘good girl’ – treat yourself with loving kindness.

OK – so from what I’ve read, the bottom line is that being a “good girl” CAN lead to bad health (low self-esteem, anxiety, burnout, depression and more…)

BUT there’s hope – we just have to take some time for self-reflection combined with a healthy dose of being honest with ourselves… and then be brave enough to make some changes in our lives… and communicate our findings to others.

For me, the key takeaway is that we DON’T have to give up being good people, but we DO need to unpack some of the baggage we have accidentally tied to the notion of what it means to be a good person. AND we need to understand the way OTHERS determine and prioritize our ‘goodness’… and then reframe the way we’re going to worry about those judgements.

[I’m going to try to be more careful about my boundaries, keep aiming for progress over perfection, and go back and spend some more time re-exploring concepts such as Shadow Work and The Inner Child.]

Curiously, I looked to see what the equivalent term was for males, and there was nothing. Being a perpetual ‘nice guy’ came close, but it’s not a ‘syndrome’. I’m not convinced that guys are never people pleasers or overly-concerned about other people’s opinions… surely… there must be a few people on the planet with GBS…??

Goodness me, re-reading this post I can see how bullet-pointy it is… sorry – there was a lot to get through, and it seemed like the best way to consolidate a lot of information!!

Take care taking care all you GOOD people,

Linda x

PS – GGS is different to – or additional to – EDS, which is Eldest Daughter Syndrome. Without starting a whole other post, EDS can lead to early maturation, perfectionism, guilt, parentification, increased responsibilities, excessive emotional labor, higher expectations…. I’m a first-born good girl… yikes! I might have a double whammy of EDGGS… which looks… eggy.

PPS – shout out to my fabulous parents who made me and brought me up – you are GREAT parents, and I love you lots – and I don’t hold you responsible for any syndromes I may have acquired as a result of my birth order! AND an extra shout out to my marvelous Mother who helped me on my PhD journey by proofreading every page I wrote – thank you! xox

PPPS – Disclaimer – I am not a psychologist – this post is my best understanding of a complex issue – please be sure to speak to a qualified healthcare provider if you require mental health advice.