The Mindful Migraine

“Telephonophobia” or “phone anxiety” has always been an issue for me. I remember as a Project Manager being VERY aware that if the phone on my desk was ringing, it was NOT going to be good news.

No one called up to say “hey girl, love ya work” – instead – it tended to be calls more like: “um, so, the site manager did something really stupid and fell off… the shipping container with your 300 chairs washed off the tanker in a storm and… listen here little lady, if you don’t re-do the tender results so that my firm wins, I’ll send the boys around to your house and tell them to…”

(all true calls).

As a result, I would often set the office phone to silent, ignore the flashing red light and let the call go to the message bank. Then I would play the message back, and prepare a reply (by email or text, or occasionally by phoning). The ‘time lag’ gave me a chance to compose a calm and orderly reply rather than being caught off guard or pulled into someone else’s sense of alarm.

On the whole it’s an OK approach – but – it doesn’t take long for others to realize that you’re ‘one of those people’ who never seems to answer their phone. And even though you get things done, the reality is the time lag (even if it’s very brief) can still affect your perceived performance and make you seem unprofessional, inattentive or unreliable.

SO, as much as possible, I tried to pick up the darn phone.

More recently, when I was sick in bed for several hours every day with a migraine, I reverted back to my phone-phobia. Unless I thought one of my children might be calling or texting, I would turn it off and wait until I was feeling better to check in. This time, my mental health was struggling alongside my physical health. I had come to believe (rightly or wrongly) that the conversation might be a drain on my time and energy, and would trigger a sense of overwhelm, guilt or generate unwanted responsibilities.

Again – it’s not a great approach to adopt.

Yes – it helps you establish boundaries and feel more in control.

BUT – it also creates a bad habit of becoming increasingly withdrawn from the wider world.

I looked up telephonophobia to see if I could get some advice on how to create a better sense of balance.

Without citing a particular website, I made some notes that suggest phone-phobia can come from a range of issues including a fear of: being put in a difficult situation with new obligations, performance anxiety, losing control, fear of judgement, social anxiety, coming out of your extremely introverted shell, being pranked and humiliated, receiving upsetting news, having to think quickly on the spot – all of which make sense to me.

But there were also other issues I hadn’t thought of but also ring true; not being able to rely on visual cues (such as face/body language) during the conversation, not wanting to be overheard if you’re in a public area, how it can be hard to hear properly through a phone and people are concerned they will misunderstand something (and similarly for those who have English as a second language), and also something akin to PTSD caused by previous negative experiences that have left a mark on your psyche.

For me – and no one else seems to experience this (and doctors say it isn’t actually happening) – a mobile phone hurts my head, and can make the side of my head feel hot and sore (I’m guessing it’s some sort of low level electromagnetic radiation – and even though I know how woo-woo that sounds – I stand by it – perhaps I have hyper-sensitive neural transmitters or a generally glitchy migraine-pain brain – but it’s real.)

[Disclaimer – remember – I am NOT a medical doctor – please speak to trained healthcare professionals if you are seeking medical advice about your migraines or other headache complaints.]

Anyway – knowing that there ARE valid physical, mental, and social issues relating to phone-phobia, but that it can also be a sign of a coping strategy or outright avoidance, what can we do?

• Mindfulness helps – take some deep breaths, calm yourself, check the negative trash talking thoughts (read more here), and pick up the phone.
• Smile – many sites mention that smiling when you answer the phone changes your voice tone, and makes you and others feel more at ease (I’ve posted about the value of smiling before, here).
• Practice / exposure – on the days you feel ok, pick up the phone first ring – the more you do it, the easier it gets.
• Role play – if you’re really struggling with how to answer the phone and what comes next, role play with trusted family and friends.
• Therapy – if all else fails, you can seek professional help with Cognitive Behavior Therapy, or Talk Therapy, to reframe your negative thoughts and associations.

The reality is, my telephonophobia is not a BIG thing. I know, because it comes and goes. When I’m tired and stressed, a ringing phone hits harder than when I’m relaxed and happy and open to new conversations.

When I try to remember what I was like as a child, it’s also a mixed bag. We had a ‘landline’ on the kitchen counter with a cord that was long enough for you to take the whole phone into the pantry and sit on the floor. I vaguely remember being happy to chat for ages when Mom called out “Liiiiinnnn-daaa; Kylie’s on the line!” But I also remember feeling impatient with other calls and people that kept repeating, “no; YOU hang up!”

True phobias become so deeply unsettling that you can’t truly function.

So, apologies to those of you who have a deep fear of phones, I acknowledge my lamentations might be lame and potentially disrespectful.

For all of you who likewise have an on-again-off-again aversion to chit chat on a phone; know that you’re not alone – we all want to protect our boundaries, our energy, and our self-esteem… just try not to let it stop you for joining in on life.

Take care taking care, Linda x